Day Twenty-Eight


I have a confession to make. I occasionally look at thinspo. Yes, it is freaking horrible to my self-esteem, yes those pictures are probably of GIRLS who are 10-15 years younger than I am. It cascades into a flood of “if only”s and it further plunges me into depression, but I do it again and again. Giving up sugar has been wonderful for my body: I feel less sluggish and my skin looks brighter, but these images are basically mental sugar, it activates all the same reward centers in my brain, I guess in some weird aspirational way? Furthermore, let’s just go ahead and include the fitspo, because it is basically the same body fat percentage, but the latter just has a bit more muscle. There is a thinspo for every overly pointy joint connection in your body: hipbone, chest bones, shoulder blade. Yes, I have googled them all, but why?

Why do I torture myself like this? I am clearly never going to be an ectomorphic type naturally, and I love food too goddamned much to ever go full-on ana, but these images of perfect bodies doing ballet poses, or just high fashion black and white portraits of models makes me long  for a  svelter physique. I can’t help but wonder how many pounds I would have to shed.. 10… 15.. 20???? to get to the point where my upper arm is thinner than my elbow. How much suffering would I put myself through to finally be perfect, or would it just spiral into a full-blown eating disorder where even 90 pounds wouldn’t be good enough. It sounds awful, just from what I have read about anorexia and bulimia, but why in the world do I look at these images, then? Fittingly enough, I never went to that therapist’s appointment, maybe I am beyond help. Maybe, I don’t want help.

Still eating clean. Still going to yoga, not getting enough steps.

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2 thoughts on “Day Twenty-Eight

  1. I really enjoy your blog! As a recovering ED sufferer (ana, mia, ednos, orthorexia etc), I have to forcibly stop myself from googling thinspo. I love it but it is too triggering for me. I feel like fitspo is just another form of thinspo that is just more acceptable to the general public. Anyway, I’m eating clean and going to yoga too and trying not to obsess to much so I will send you some happy vibes and hope you are healthy in body, mind and spirit!

    • Definitely agree, it can get really twisted and dark if you let yourself become sucked into it. Thank you for the comments, and have fun in your practice!

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