I have a confession to make. I occasionally look at thinspo. Yes, it is freaking horrible to my self-esteem, yes those pictures are probably of GIRLS who are 10-15 years younger than I am. It cascades into a flood of “if only”s and it further plunges me into depression, but I do it again and again. Giving up sugar has been wonderful for my body: I feel less sluggish and my skin looks brighter, but these images are basically mental sugar, it activates all the same reward centers in my brain, I guess in some weird aspirational way? Furthermore, let’s just go ahead and include the fitspo, because it is basically the same body fat percentage, but the latter just has a bit more muscle. There is a thinspo for every overly pointy joint connection in your body: hipbone, chest bones, shoulder blade. Yes, I have googled them all, but why?
Why do I torture myself like this? I am clearly never going to be an ectomorphic type naturally, and I love food too goddamned much to ever go full-on ana, but these images of perfect bodies doing ballet poses, or just high fashion black and white portraits of models makes me long for a svelter physique. I can’t help but wonder how many pounds I would have to shed.. 10… 15.. 20???? to get to the point where my upper arm is thinner than my elbow. How much suffering would I put myself through to finally be perfect, or would it just spiral into a full-blown eating disorder where even 90 pounds wouldn’t be good enough. It sounds awful, just from what I have read about anorexia and bulimia, but why in the world do I look at these images, then? Fittingly enough, I never went to that therapist’s appointment, maybe I am beyond help. Maybe, I don’t want help.
Still eating clean. Still going to yoga, not getting enough steps.