Trying to keep it all together

I shouldn’t even really be posting about my problems, because they are pretty miniscule in comparison to what I could be dealing with. However, there are many things I want to complain about, but I “can’t”. I could if I wanted to be a bitch, but then again that would just add to the drama. Let’s just use wonderfully ambiguous terms, so we don’t have to address the real problems, yeah that’s the ticket. I am not even sure what the point is anymore to any of these. I can’t do the things I like to do because of financial limitations, and it bothers me. I can’t get out of the financial limitations because of even more financial limitations (moving costs money, you see)  and even if I did have the money to move, there is just no opportunity, for me at least. Nice job spending $30,000 for an education that did not pay off. Believe it or not, I actually have a Master’s degree, which I feel like I should barbecue sometimes because it does me little good. I won’t go down without a fight, per the cliché. The little improvements in my life such as trying to keep a budget (could be why I am so depressed) and learning programming are improving my self-esteem and sense of control, but it is a challenge to feel not completely overwhelmed with worry about not being able to keep my shit together as it were.  Maybe it is all the caffeine I consume during the day, but I also suffer from insomnia just because I worry about the future, and trying to take care of everyone and trying to be a generally good person (which apparently I am not) Sigh, don’t air out your dirty laundry, just don’t do it.

Yeah, I am supposed to be busy, but I can’t help but be a little bit upset that I am negative money right now (my fault, of course). Oh god, I feel like such a spoiled brat for complaining about this, but here goes. So, I won tickets for this show in Dallas on the 4th, but between my budget for all the bills that I have due, the rent, and just general living expenses for groceries and such, not sure how I will be able to afford getting Lucy boarded and paying for the hotel to be able to stay overnight. (without getting back into lovely credit card debt). So, it feels like a huge shit show, to even go to Dallas, FUCKING DALLAS!! Are you kidding me?? I am not asking to go to Milan or something extravagant, just a 3 hour trip out of town. It is ridiculous, the fact that I can’t afford to even do that makes me fucking sick to my stomach. I feel like such a failure at life. Okay, shut up and get back to work.


6 thoughts on “Trying to keep it all together

      • Then something needs to change! 🙂

        Seriously, babysteps, girl.. we all have our ups and downs but it’s how we handle them that changes things. Email me if you wanna vent some more and listen to me try to help 😉 lol

      • Yeah, I am just being whiney for no good reason. I kinda regret posting it, but it is somewhat therapeutic (currently can’t afford professional therapy) and it also helps ground me. When I am publicly complaining about things, it gives me some perspective not to be such a brat!

  1. Settle down for a second. First, you have every right to complain and be disappointed. Being in debt blows. Being a slave to student loans sucks. And not being able to do what you want to do when you want to do it is even more miserable. Over the past few years I’ve had to put any me or social stuff on the back burner for the sake of my business and my budget. Sometimes it is really depressing – I’ve skipped a handful of weddings, countless birthdays, and don’t get me started on happy hours, dinner with friends, things that “normal” people do. Just know that it WILL get better. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not in time for Dallas, but something will come up and you will be in a place you need to be. You have guts and you have talent, just try and find joy in silly little stuff, and everything will sort itself out. And by all means if you need to vent, do it!!!!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s