I’m losing focus

It is hard to write this because I feel like there are a lot of things that I want to do but some weird imaginary force keeps me back from them. In reality, there is no force, it is just me. I keep repeating to myself that things are going to be better in October, but are they really? There is an end of the month anxiety that I feel, maybe it is partly watching my bank account drain from the plethora of bills I am paying, or maybe it is just a disappointment of not having completed my goals from the month before and slowly watching my life dissolve in front of me. Fuck wrinkles, by the way.

Reorganizing my goals into categories helps but it really isn’t enough. I still have the desire to buy a new pink purse, or some other thing that I don’t really need in my life. It seems like it should be as simple as creating a flowchart with a basic question, “Does this action support or detract from reaching your goals?”..  With the obvious “support” -> do the action or “detract” -> don’t do the action, dummy! It should be that simple, shouldn’t it? I just wish that the desire to do to bad things wasn’t there.

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Fucking autosave, I had all this stuff written down and now it is gone. Anyway, poached chicken = awesome and doesn’t cost me $400. Not technically, but yes, I ate sushi Friday, and since this is not yelp, not going to name names of this terrible place, but they had charged us $397.48, and let me tell you, it was good sushi but it wasn’t that good, and it was just a generally bad experience, and normally I would overlook something like this and just focus on the food, but Strike 1) the server made a snide comment about how quickly we ate. Strike 2, they made this terrible error, and then Strike 3, when we went into the place so they could cancel the transaction, they basically told us to GTFO in awkward English, sorry but it is true. I hate it when you cannot communicate dissatisfaction with someone because of that, you would think they would at least know that this was at terrible mistake and correct it, but there were a ton of people and it was a lot of pressure for us to leave. So, yes, those three things will definitely not make me come back there.

Because I have bitching a lot lately, I wanted to take a break and just express in reality, that though my student loan, credit card, and automobile loans might be almost unbearably high, last year at this time, I was living in a 300 square feet extended stay because of my bad credit and ended lease. Now, I am in a 1100 sqft place and have room to explore my passions such as dance, hooping and blasting tunes. I think there was more that I wanted to say, but I can’t remember it.

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Whole 30 – Day 31

Good morning, early birdies. Who has two thumbs and is drinking coffee with coffeemate and a teaspoon of sugar? This gal! My god, have you learned nothing?? Nope, I feel so good that I surprisingly have zero cravings for fast food (right now) and I feel like I could easily integrate being gluten free. I have a little bit of anxiety about a “paleo” muffin I consumed and not made by me while on the Whole 30, however, as I noticed most of the muffin recipes  do contain honey. But, you know, if I was not concerned about the possibility of added sugars in the cured meats I ate, then why should I stress about something like that. Regardless, I feel like this right now:

Oh and just because Hyper Crush is rockin’ so much bass (I can’t even feel my face):

I really want to reward myself. Not so much with food, but perhaps a year membership to Planet Fitness. They are kinda ghetto, though, no classes or any amenities, but a crapload better than the gym in the apartment clubhouse, plus there is a Groupon today. Perhaps, I should more focus on my goals with the yoga, though. I can understand why people like to go somewhere to workout, though. In my not so distant youth, I would often go to the bar just to get out of my apartment, needless to say that this can get a bit expensive. But definitely can’t afford that anymore, so my since of wanderlust needs to be quenched with something, because even though we do have a workout area, it just feels like a mini adventure, plus I would feel smug as hell to be mayor of a fitness establishment on Foursquare. How very dorky! So, what is everyone’s experience with PF? I would only be getting the $10 (technically it would be $8.25) do you think that it is worth it? Since I have a few days to decide, I will do some further contemplation on it and decide what I will do. If they offer free wifi in the gym, it will be hard to say no, I can tell you that.

So, results results results. Happy to report that my waistline is about 25″ and that I weighed in at 117 this morning! Okay, so last time I weighed in about 2 weeks ago, I was around 119. Really only a net loss of about 2 pounds, but I am going to defer to this article in defense of such a low number. I was talking about the program and already I feel like an ambassador to It Starts With Food, recommended that my coworker at least check it out from the public library (I bought it before I realized that it was available for free) I can’t pinpoint what exactly is making my feel better, but certainly the combination has affected me. The diet plus yoga has done something,  and maybe the cardio and strength are not the biggest priorities (why the hell did I call my blog fitorama, then?) but I manage to squeeze in 10k steps and that is a daunting accomplishment in itself. Well, as Drake would say, “it’s far from over”:

Whole 30 – Day 30

Not really sure what the deal with my appetite is. Feeling pretty icky because of womantimes, sure you appreciated that oversharing. I am so close, yoga yesterday no post, more of the same stuff. Except I think with the omission of my avocados and coconut cream with my coffee, I have been feeling the lack of calories and my body is screaming for some food, for the past 4 or so days, I have been feeling like this:

It hasn’t been all terrible. Last night, I cooked the rest of my bounty (save for the corn) from the YummyFarms delivery.

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Purreed tomatoes, a serrano, and a bell pepper  with a splash of vinegar to make the base for the chicken. It has been great to be creative in the kitchen, but ultimately I miss this:

This has been forbidden due to its sugar content. Miss Fruity pants does not have much of a case against added sugars in thing when I have been drinking smoothies like it is going out of style. I have already decided that I will make this a Whole 31 because it seems right to complete the whole month of August with the meal plan and then I can weigh myself once all of my water weight has been successfully flushed. Plus it is a holiday weekend, and well I haven’t been to church (aka: Barcelona, aka Mad Classy, aka dubsteps and drankz!!) in a while.  Come on Lauren, you have to remind yourself you are not 21, but actually 31. This is always a depressing conversation to have with myself, wild woman to wifey material.

Moodiness aside, I still try to cultivate my creative side, oh and to make myself feel a bit better for slacking yet again on the workout, for shame, for shame. Word maps are a fun little artistic way to display what your word frequency is for blogging that is based on actual facts rather than self-defined tags. Here is the one I got from Wordle:

Yesterday, I forgot my FitBit, so the numbers were going to be low, and the day before I left my key fob for the apartment’s gym, so without my beloved air conditioner, treadmill, and television, it was absolutely unheard of to actually get the steps. Yeeeah, that’s the ticket, can’t walk without a treadmill.  Well, this has been painful to write just in that uninspiring, crampy, complainy, and defeated by fruit sort of way. Whole 60, here I come (unless I dive face first into a Whataburger Patty Melt) It is funny, the more I think about digressing from my new found clean eating lifestyle, the less it really appeals to me. Do I really want to gain the possibly 20 pounds that I have lost by cutting out all those nasty things. Not, no, but HELL no! We will see what I feel like tomorrow at midnight.

Whole 30 – Day 28

No yoga today, but as mentioned I obtained the Muladhara bracelet from Sunstone on Saturday. As a naturally inquisitive person, I wanted to know more about this bracelet that I have been wearing everyday, and just about chakras in general. Before you think that I am tripping out and falling into some pseudo-scientific hippy dippy vortex, I have to reassure you (and myself) that I will not be buying any chakra plates, fountains, or any other “opening” devices touted by oppurtunistic scoundrels. One could argue, however, that I have already bought into it by wearing the bracelet only obtained by purchasing. One could also stick a sock in it and stop being such a negative Nancy, said to my skeptical self, of course. Anyway, I had heard from a vague ill-defined source that chakras actually represent never centers in the brain, though a quick search on Wikipedia only references this as the citation for these claims, so it really seems dubious at best. Also, for smiles and giggles, I searched ScienceDaily and scholar.google.com for the term “chakra” and there was nothing to be found for this term

Regardless of whether or not chakras exist, the actual systems of the body exist and that is backed up by evidence, so we can rejoice that there is some empirical evidence. It just distills into being “interesting” which is my point. Since, I am practicing yoga, putting aside my skepticism, I have also researched yogic poses to correspond with the muldhara chakra, and really have found some inconsistency between the various webpages. It reminds me of horoscopes, feng shui, and tarot, the interpretations of the signs, directions, and cards are totally left up to the person who is trying to sell you on it. All of these are good shows to watch from Penn and Teller’s Bullshit, by the way. If you are trying to approach this analytically, it would be reasonable to expect that there would be a consistency within the practice that would be reliably reported from the various sources, granted my methodology was based on searching from people who may or may not be “experts” and have something to sell, and we all know that people on the internet don’t lie! Okay, so the one thing I did find was that the Mountain Pose and Warrior sequence popped up a few times, so rule of thumb, you want to get down with your genitals (hey I am not the pervert, blame the internet) do some of these sanding asanas. Okay, probably as red as the chakra just from the embarassing topic, so moving on.

Today I got my Yummy Farms groupon delivery and the star of the show was the peaches, following by the very tasty sweet potatoes. I puréed some of the yellow tomatoes, diced up the green pepper and sautéed the chicken and onion I had with this, and added some almonds for extra credit, and probably shouldn’t have added the serrano pepper, but live dangerously, right? Garlic, cumin and tumeric, all day long, too.

Well, as I digest this lovely dinner, my FitBit gently reminds me to get off my booty before it flattens into the chair and I am sure a quick look would reveal that I have been sedentary for 10+ hours. This is unacceptable and must be resolved by some kind of workout. What will it be, what will it be?

Whole 30 – Day 27

Only about 72 hours to go, and I was almost about to cheat today. I do not think that I have slain the sugar dragon by any indication of the ideal Whole 30 and how it should make you feel. In fact, I had to pound a coconut water just to keep from going insane this evening. I am not sure what I am so stressed about, either. Everything seems to be going okay, but I feel very agitated and angered. Right now, I should be at the gym getting the rest of my steps (around 3300 to the 10k mark) but here I sit. Hey, I don’t feel so bad not having really given up sugar substantially because of the excessive fruit consumption, as I have successfully been able to give up tobacco and booze, and while I kind of already did that earlier this year, I have been able to go over 3 weeks straight (something I hadn’t been able to do with cigarettes), and for someone who would smoke everyday last year, I think it is pretty impressive, while losing weight to boot!

Okay, well enough ego stroking, I am just trying to make myself feel better for eating so many calories today, actually according to MFP it was approximately 1300 (sure it was actually more just due to human error) Ugh, was there a point to this. I write a lot better in the morning. All of my ideas get sucked out of my brain from the TV, I think. Last night, I constructed a delightful summer feast with grilled vegetables, marinated chicken with sautéed onions and mushrooms. Instagrammed for your pleasure:

This morning was very discombobulating with the lack of coffee. Wanted to skip the coffee so that I would not risk dehydration in my yoga practice. This was a disaster, combined with the fact that I did not eat anything (oops) I was highly unmotivated to stick to anything. Speaking of mornings, my mattress is not the most comfortable in the world, no padding, no sleep number, nothing fancy, just a 5 year old springy thing from IKEA, well this morning it was if cherubs had constructed it with gossamer clouds and my comforter was a warm embryonic shell to sustain me in a Matrix-like sleep, not really sure where that metaphor was going, but yes, I really did not want to get up this morning. The whole point was to be able to write and workout early. Getting up early in the morning never works out, get it, get it?

Well, I would post more, but I have to do my civic duty of 3 hours of TV watching and catch “Hells Kitchen”. TTFN!

Whole 30 – Day 26

Doing my laundry, brewing some chai, and just having a general bout of malaise, I am trying to get motivated to do some treadmill walking in defiance of the Texas heat. The sloth is winning, and I am feeling a bit discouraged because I let the temptation of processed meats (80% sure that the ham, salami, and pepperoni, which I all sampled was cured with something considered impure in the church of Paleo). Well, screw it though, in the face of brownies, cookies, and I don’t know how many overtly dairy and gluten products, I think I did okay. I would have graded myself with a C last night, I didn’t just flunk outright by sampling the sweets, booze, or any of the carbalicious gluten treats, chips, crackers, etc. I think D would have been dairy and some of the legume delights such as hummus, oh how I miss this snack! .So, I was left with meats, veggies, and fruits. My resolve started strong, A- most of my plate was filled with vegetables and a bit of fruits to give me some artificial energy, sue me.. it is the weekend.

As the night progressed, I started eating more fruits just because it felt like I knew hardly anyone at the party and the people I did know were mostly talking amongst themselves about none other than getting wasted, just really uncomfortable for me. This may have been something that was in my head, but it seemed like the people that were drinking harder drinks were a bit too proudly displaying them in their hands. Or it could just be something that you have to do when holding that kind of beverage. Either way, the bf and I hung out mostly outside and for me I was a bit asocial. It really disturbs me, because I had this perception of myself that I was this social butterfly and that is quickly shattered by one sober night. I should have just broken down on my diet and eating a goddamned cookie, but I had to be miss bitchypants clean eater. It wasn’t really that bad, but I missed out on some yummy food, and that makes me a bit bitter.

Oh and subconsciously since I knew I was going to maybe eat a lot (not sure if you count substituting smoothies for meals, though) I decided not to track my food. That was the first time in like 35 days I hadn’t logged anything. In a way it felt liberating to not have to be accountable to MFP, but in another it was terrifying because I was not sure how bad I was messing up on my eating plan. Part of the reason I think I ate so much is because I did manage to do about 80 minutes of cardio plus an hour of yoga and guess what, I got my pink bracelet! So at least there were a lot of steps I took even in the beginning of the day – though my lazy Sunday is starting to cancel out the goodness! – and yesterday I had my to-do list set. Consistency is key, just at least set the intention. I have been successful 90% of the time, when I set an honest intention to do something. Not so much in class, when I set the intention to not fall out of poses that I had intended to not fall out of, but for the most part yes, I do meet my goals when I know that I can do them, just have to really be honest with myself.

Well, because it is such a lazy day, here is some inspiration. GET MOVING:

Whole 30 – Day 24

Drunken yoga, well not really, but this is the third time in a row that I have had lightheadedness and diziness in my practice. One likely culprit is that I like to drink coffee before I go and I believe the heat combined with the activity combined with the dehydration from coffee and having not had any water for 9 hours made me feel pretty crappy. So, next week, even though it will be difficult, I will hold off on the coffee pre-yoga, and just  wait until work for my caffeine jolt. Unfortunately, I even think Yerba (yucky) Matte has this same effect on me. So, it is time to switch out the coffee for water. To my cred, been pretty diligent with my workouts from Jackie Warner.  To the best of my memory, Weekly Wrap-up:

Sunday:  Chest, biceps, Abs – cardio intervals
Monday: legs, shoulders, abs – cardio intervals
Tuesday:  Back, triceps,  abs – cardio intervals
Wednesday: High Intensity Interval training
Thursday: Full body circuit training (all muscle groups)

Everyday this week except for yesterday, I have gone to practice, and mostly I have been walking at an incline on the treadmill to get the rest of the 10k steps. First world problem alert, first world problem alert: it bums me out that the WiFi at the gym isn’t working properly on my tablet anymore. I would much rather read an article or e-book than watch TV. Towards autumn, I will more likely be out at dusk getting my walks, and hopefully I will be able to take them with a Jack Russel terrier!

It is a good thing that I am doing so much activity, too, because last night I had an monster hunger attack eating probably more but we will only post it as half a cup of walnuts (350 calories, yikes!!) and an extra banana right before bed, just so I can store all that sugar as fat, yee-haw. It was definitely a binge, a healthy binge, but a binge, nonetheless. I suspect that it could be some feminine hormones afoot.  But, back to coffee, because no one wants to read about my cycle, I have finally found a beverage that I can drink without any creamer which would help me save some calories. If you are not one for the taste of coffee sans creamer, try the Medium Roast Starbucks Keurig cups. Moving on to the lunches, I have been staying pretty sugar-free during the day by sticking to pre-cooked food, enter chicken and asparagus four ways:

Yesterday, no picture but it was the chicken and asparagus with no side. All of the meals are pretty satisfying, good mixture of carbohydrate, protein, and fat and towards the end of the day I don’t feel as if I am about to die of starvatio, so that is a plus. Tomorrow marks another milestone  for me, so stay tuned!

Whole 30, Day 23

Stress, stress, stress, stress, stressity STRESS!! Was too busy at work to update yesterday, strangely enough I had one  my highest traffic days stats wise on the blawg. This morning I missed yoga, because I was fighting with my boyfriend. That’s always fun. So, what is the stress about, well, my dear readers, it is about money. I just don’t have enough of it. Admittedly, some of this is self-inflicted from purchasing a car in 2011 and having to finally pay back my student loans. There are other factors which make it difficult to get by, but I am not one to talk shit. I got a raise, and I am incredibly grateful for it, but it really wasn’t enough. I have to remind myself, however, that everyone is suffering, and to be brutal honest, even with my qualifications and skill, I am fortunate to have a job. Don’t let that detract from my awesomeness, though, because as you have read, the awesomeness of the Lauren is a force to be reckoned with, even if I feel mostly like this:

Okay.. now that this out of the way, we can just move forward. I know that I am still deviating from Whole30 (not enough to not count it, but enough to note it) by my consumption of fruit and coconut water. My boss had some Larabars, and I could have asked for one, but decided to use my own energy, okay mostly from coffee, to power through the day. So, my resolve is getting slightly better in eating sugars, but I know there will be at least one time it is truly tested.  My stepsister is having a dinner party this weekend, and it is so close to the end, I wish she could have scheduled it for September 1st, so I could have a least one martini, but life does not work that way, and sometimes you just have to put your big girl pants on and suck it up. The good news is that with the exception of this morning’s missed yoga, I have been able to keep up with my fitness. Yesterday, I almost made 10k steps with the help of some interval training. In Jackie Warner’s book, she said to just do jogging, sprinting and cool down rounds. Well, I varied it up a little bit and did: buttkickers, high knees, jogging in place, jumping jacks, and repeated butt kickers and jumping jacks for a total of  5 rounds.

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Whole 30 – Day 21

Dang! Today will conclude 3 weeks of the program, and it surely has been an interesting journey. Yesterday I almost went the whole day without eating fruit, but that dang coconut water was the only thing from making me turn into a gremlin from low blood sugar, that happens, right? GRRRRRRR, the gremlin in my belly, wait it is inside you now, yes, hush, anyway. It is growling this morning. Only thing in my stomach are  some overly seasoned sweet potatoes, (same mistake with the un-tacos of Sunday night, took the lid off and nearly have the bottle spilled inside). It really did not agree with my stomach, but the desire to getting that damn pink focus bracelet drove me to go this morning to my class, and I am thankful that I am learning to have a bit of self-discipline to stick with something besides a job. It only took 3 decades. Much more than a silly wristband, what motivated me to go to class today was my newly created mantra “erosion”.  If you want to know why that is my mantra, read yesterday’s post, sillybutt! Great, now this song is in my head, maybe it is just the clouds that are getting me all darkwave, but goth as lame as it is to everyone else, will always be cool to me:

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