Clearing out the clutter

Second day of Squatober, and boy are my hammies screaming. Surprisingly my glutes are not very sore at all, perhaps they are as lifted as they are going to get from all the stairs and the dancing. Insomnia struck again this morning, not sure what time, but it was still dark out, so it probably was around 4:30 or 5 am. This is for the birds, it is keeping me from getting to my 7:30 class, really just considering of cancelling the membership if I can’t make it to the class, on the weekdays or weekends, but I don’t want to feel like a quitter either. 4 weeks or 28 days until Halloween, if I put my efforts towards attending class from tomorrow onward, I can get an orange focus bracelet from Sunstone, because I really need to get past the vagina chakra (what? I am not making this up!) Urrrgah, legs are really sure, not sure how I am going to dance tonight, but I will certainly try. Want to find the best mix of hard music and rhythm so that I am not just flailing around, but I am simply better than Gangham style.

Last night, I got rid of a slue of books/magazines and sold (if you really want to call it that) them to Half Priced Books for $6. On the bright side, they were kinda just taking up space in the office, but man, I was really hoping for at least $10, come on, no one wants to buy a Flash 8 book? Yeah, pretty much all outdated software, and some fitness books. I imagine by how many copies of some of their fitness books, that they are highly devalued,  just economics, baby.  But, hey, after a few days of clean-ish eating I was able to get back to 120.8 this morning. Freaking sodium, I knew I did consume a lot with the foods this weekend, but I didn’t think I would retain 3 pounds of water. My belly even looked bloated, really sure that was actual fat, and some of it is, but my clothes do feel a bit loser today than they did on Sunday. No more Chinese takeout for me, well unless I want to freak out for a few days about my weight, and who really needs that?  One bit of complaint is that my arms feel way too soft, like I feel like if I wagged them really hard I could use them as propellers and take them to Japan without having to worry about airfare! (it is one of my goals this birth year to go to another continent) Perhaps, a Curlvember?

I do eat a lot of stir-fry when I cook.  Because I try to stick with mostly paleo at least at home, I don’t make the yummy yummmmy fried rice that we get from the takeout. Even with the effort of having to get the groceries and cook for yourself, there is a bit of advantage when you have the control of cooking it by yourself. I have not gotten the trick of sauce yet, however with clean ingredients. For example, I tried to get a beef/broccoli base with ingredients such as coconut aminos, coconut flower, olive oil, and coconut oil. I think if I would have actually started cooking the broccoli sooner, the sauce would have not burned and I would have a better consistency, so yes the sauce became a little bit clumped (probably should have not added the almond meal, either), however the taste was good and that is really what matters, right?:

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Day Twenty-Eight

I have a confession to make. I occasionally look at thinspo. Yes, it is freaking horrible to my self-esteem, yes those pictures are probably of GIRLS who are 10-15 years younger than I am. It cascades into a flood of “if only”s and it further plunges me into depression, but I do it again and again. Giving up sugar has been wonderful for my body: I feel less sluggish and my skin looks brighter, but these images are basically mental sugar, it activates all the same reward centers in my brain, I guess in some weird aspirational way? Furthermore, let’s just go ahead and include the fitspo, because it is basically the same body fat percentage, but the latter just has a bit more muscle. There is a thinspo for every overly pointy joint connection in your body: hipbone, chest bones, shoulder blade. Yes, I have googled them all, but why?

Why do I torture myself like this? I am clearly never going to be an ectomorphic type naturally, and I love food too goddamned much to ever go full-on ana, but these images of perfect bodies doing ballet poses, or just high fashion black and white portraits of models makes me long  for a  svelter physique. I can’t help but wonder how many pounds I would have to shed.. 10… 15.. 20???? to get to the point where my upper arm is thinner than my elbow. How much suffering would I put myself through to finally be perfect, or would it just spiral into a full-blown eating disorder where even 90 pounds wouldn’t be good enough. It sounds awful, just from what I have read about anorexia and bulimia, but why in the world do I look at these images, then? Fittingly enough, I never went to that therapist’s appointment, maybe I am beyond help. Maybe, I don’t want help.

Still eating clean. Still going to yoga, not getting enough steps.

Day Twenty-Four

Yay weekends, yay closing in on another week of Whole 30. Originally when I considered doing this plan, I thought the weekends were going to be the most difficult. They are turning out, however, to be the easier when given a full refrigerator of food. My weekends pre-Whole 30 generally consisted of a lot of fast food, read sodium and bloat,  which would send my Monday morning weigh-in through the roof. Now, I just will have a moderate breakfast/lunch, fruit and nuts, then a stir-fry for dinner. Also, the weekends give me so much extra space to makeup for the workouts I may have missed throughout the week. (I am looking at you Thursday).

Yesterday and this morning, I felt glued to the bed, but I had the company breakfast to attend yesterday, so getting up early was necessary and Metal this morning. This morning just started off just crappy. My boyfriend and I got into a fight, which by the way caused me to leave my fitbit AND sneakers at home. The hesitance to get up also preempted my breakfast and barely had enough time to choke down some coffee before the day started. Metal class was good except that I really need to get over this body dysmorphic shit that I have going on. It isn’t a good look to be staring woefully or angrily at other students who are younger/thinner than I am and I guess by that logic, hotter. To make matters worse, the teacher went into Hanumanasana as we were all in . I am sure my eyes radiated with chartreuse lightening bolts as I struggled to go into a king pigeon, but clearly not ready to attain. I don’t want to come off as whiney, but my body feels pretty gross right now: flabby, slack, and not even toned as I thought I would be this far into the journey. Is this what I have to look forward to in my 30’s? Like I said, I probably look great, but my stupid perception is getting screwed up somehow.

My shoes are at home, I hope. Need to dance some more to feel better. Even though I ate more than I should yesterday (all clean). Still should have done at least something to get my steps up to 10k. Oh well, two hours of dancing tonight should take care of that.  Still, McKayla is disappointed in my performance: