separation anxiety and some shit i wrote 2 years ago

More like 1.5, but you get the idea. Ennui with laziness is a bitch, and I legitimately feel like there is something wrong with me health-wise, but I probably said that 2.5 years ago, piss poor mood today and it started all so well, but as the sugar high dissipates and the anxiety and anger begins, I am back here at a computer screen being miserable. Hah! I should grow up, but regression is so much more fun than responsibility. Emphasis is the 2012 sarcasm, oh cynicism, you my only friend. Here we go:

I am not a fat person, but I am also not a fit person either. I wish I could be, but it actually takes a lot of things that I am not willing to give: time, dedication and discipline. Unfortunately, I think I have been able to give the first two things, time and dedication via money spent on books and DVD’s. Mostly, it has been an exercise (pun intended) in obsession while getting the joy of sitting on my ass. I love all the magazines: Shape, Fitness, Self, Oxygen, Fitness Rx, and Women’s Health and read all the blogs: That’s Fit, Fit Bottomed Girls, Vital Juice, FitSugar, and SparkPeople, and worship the exercise messiahs of Jackie Warner and Jillian Michaels*. But, Lauren, it is a lifestyle change, not a diet. Who doesn’t know that doing 30 minutes of cardio for 5-6 days a week with a full body circuit training regimen 2-3 times a week, AND eating clean for virtually all of your meals will work, but that’s the point. It is easy for these celebrity trainers to find the time/motivation to do all this because IT IS THEIR JOB. What really is the motivation for me? At 130 pounds and 5’4″,at 120 I still feel fat and something tells me that even if I got to 110 I would still be a miserable sack of shit, I look bad, but it’s not really that bad (unless I wanted to go-go dance again, but right now I would look like the protagonist in “Female Problems”) Sorry, not sorry, you don’t get that John Waters reference Hell, I am not even a member of a gym anymore.

So, why the obsession? I guess it is something I want. Everyday I am bombarded by images of hot women, not to mention the real ones that flood 6th street and the UT campus on a daily basis. It is an ideal, like having big boobs or being taller, but this is something that I could actually attain. Well, Lauren, it just sounds like you are unhappy with yourself and should just learn to accept your body. That is such a crap way of saying to someone that mediocrity should be celebrated. Fine, sure cellulite and small tits will be in my life forever, short of invasive surgery, that is literally something I cannot change, but should I be okay with having a perma-muffin top and belly? The point is that most people that look like that probably look like that because they are a) super dedicated and have a bigger steak in it or b) young and don’t have to work very hard to stay thin and fit. It is pornography, the idea of having a fit lifestyle that somehow meshes with the realities of work, school, kids, or other relationships.

I know you are saying, just quit making excuses and do it. But, is it really worth the effort? Even just a few years ago, we have seen evidence that working out may not really affect wight loss. yet, according to Bally Fitness, the fitness industry is a $14.1 billion industry. It is just porn. Why do I still persistently sign up for workout plans, buy the books, and wish instead of actually sweat. I am chalking this one up to dopamine. I don’t think it is a coincidence that all these website connect with my Twitter and Facebook to consistently overload my overstimulated brain mush with the same recycled information about eating fruits and vegetables, staying active, and doing strength training. How many different ways do you really need to demonstrate that? It certainly is a lifestyle, but mostly just one you have to buy into like AmWay.

*I actually respect the hell out the two, but the hypocrisy between what they say and what they do is a little saddening. For example, Micheals in her book “Making the Cut” admonishes the use of diet pills and supplements, but you can easily find in any drugstore yummy OTC candy with her and her sneering on the package. In numerous interviews, Jackie Warner declares that crunches are a “waste of time”. Oh really, then why would you include them in multiple DVD’s? It just seems a bit devious, that’s all.

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Whole 30 – Day 24

Drunken yoga, well not really, but this is the third time in a row that I have had lightheadedness and diziness in my practice. One likely culprit is that I like to drink coffee before I go and I believe the heat combined with the activity combined with the dehydration from coffee and having not had any water for 9 hours made me feel pretty crappy. So, next week, even though it will be difficult, I will hold off on the coffee pre-yoga, and just  wait until work for my caffeine jolt. Unfortunately, I even think Yerba (yucky) Matte has this same effect on me. So, it is time to switch out the coffee for water. To my cred, been pretty diligent with my workouts from Jackie Warner.  To the best of my memory, Weekly Wrap-up:

Sunday:  Chest, biceps, Abs – cardio intervals
Monday: legs, shoulders, abs – cardio intervals
Tuesday:  Back, triceps,  abs – cardio intervals
Wednesday: High Intensity Interval training
Thursday: Full body circuit training (all muscle groups)

Everyday this week except for yesterday, I have gone to practice, and mostly I have been walking at an incline on the treadmill to get the rest of the 10k steps. First world problem alert, first world problem alert: it bums me out that the WiFi at the gym isn’t working properly on my tablet anymore. I would much rather read an article or e-book than watch TV. Towards autumn, I will more likely be out at dusk getting my walks, and hopefully I will be able to take them with a Jack Russel terrier!

It is a good thing that I am doing so much activity, too, because last night I had an monster hunger attack eating probably more but we will only post it as half a cup of walnuts (350 calories, yikes!!) and an extra banana right before bed, just so I can store all that sugar as fat, yee-haw. It was definitely a binge, a healthy binge, but a binge, nonetheless. I suspect that it could be some feminine hormones afoot.  But, back to coffee, because no one wants to read about my cycle, I have finally found a beverage that I can drink without any creamer which would help me save some calories. If you are not one for the taste of coffee sans creamer, try the Medium Roast Starbucks Keurig cups. Moving on to the lunches, I have been staying pretty sugar-free during the day by sticking to pre-cooked food, enter chicken and asparagus four ways:

Yesterday, no picture but it was the chicken and asparagus with no side. All of the meals are pretty satisfying, good mixture of carbohydrate, protein, and fat and towards the end of the day I don’t feel as if I am about to die of starvatio, so that is a plus. Tomorrow marks another milestone  for me, so stay tuned!

Whole 30, Day 23

Stress, stress, stress, stress, stressity STRESS!! Was too busy at work to update yesterday, strangely enough I had one  my highest traffic days stats wise on the blawg. This morning I missed yoga, because I was fighting with my boyfriend. That’s always fun. So, what is the stress about, well, my dear readers, it is about money. I just don’t have enough of it. Admittedly, some of this is self-inflicted from purchasing a car in 2011 and having to finally pay back my student loans. There are other factors which make it difficult to get by, but I am not one to talk shit. I got a raise, and I am incredibly grateful for it, but it really wasn’t enough. I have to remind myself, however, that everyone is suffering, and to be brutal honest, even with my qualifications and skill, I am fortunate to have a job. Don’t let that detract from my awesomeness, though, because as you have read, the awesomeness of the Lauren is a force to be reckoned with, even if I feel mostly like this:

Okay.. now that this out of the way, we can just move forward. I know that I am still deviating from Whole30 (not enough to not count it, but enough to note it) by my consumption of fruit and coconut water. My boss had some Larabars, and I could have asked for one, but decided to use my own energy, okay mostly from coffee, to power through the day. So, my resolve is getting slightly better in eating sugars, but I know there will be at least one time it is truly tested.  My stepsister is having a dinner party this weekend, and it is so close to the end, I wish she could have scheduled it for September 1st, so I could have a least one martini, but life does not work that way, and sometimes you just have to put your big girl pants on and suck it up. The good news is that with the exception of this morning’s missed yoga, I have been able to keep up with my fitness. Yesterday, I almost made 10k steps with the help of some interval training. In Jackie Warner’s book, she said to just do jogging, sprinting and cool down rounds. Well, I varied it up a little bit and did: buttkickers, high knees, jogging in place, jumping jacks, and repeated butt kickers and jumping jacks for a total of  5 rounds.

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Whole 30 – Day 21

Dang! Today will conclude 3 weeks of the program, and it surely has been an interesting journey. Yesterday I almost went the whole day without eating fruit, but that dang coconut water was the only thing from making me turn into a gremlin from low blood sugar, that happens, right? GRRRRRRR, the gremlin in my belly, wait it is inside you now, yes, hush, anyway. It is growling this morning. Only thing in my stomach are  some overly seasoned sweet potatoes, (same mistake with the un-tacos of Sunday night, took the lid off and nearly have the bottle spilled inside). It really did not agree with my stomach, but the desire to getting that damn pink focus bracelet drove me to go this morning to my class, and I am thankful that I am learning to have a bit of self-discipline to stick with something besides a job. It only took 3 decades. Much more than a silly wristband, what motivated me to go to class today was my newly created mantra “erosion”.  If you want to know why that is my mantra, read yesterday’s post, sillybutt! Great, now this song is in my head, maybe it is just the clouds that are getting me all darkwave, but goth as lame as it is to everyone else, will always be cool to me:

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Whole 30 – Day 20

Today’s Fire 90, despite a setback of  not getting up at 6:00 am for Jackie Warner’s Day 2, workout was fun.  Yesterday was so busy but I managed to get all of my to-do items checked out and felt very accomplished because I planned and executed everything I wanted to do. Maybe it was the coffee, but the morning felt a bit frenzied in getting all the vacuuming, dusting, and surface cleaning finished while simultaneously doing laundry and then cooking lunch. Dinner was too spicy, because I accidentally poured a bit too much cayenne and chilli powder into the turkey mix. Hey, my metabolism can use a bit of a thermogenic kick to burn those calories. I try to get a little bit of HIIT in my television watching. Always moving, getting those steps in. I feel like a total slacker if I am watching Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition while sitting on my rump.

A bit of a motivational musing for Monday. I came, I planned, and I conquered my meals for this week in that the grocery list that I posted yesterday was derived from a meal plan that was created beforehand. You have to do this for the Whole 30 to be completely successful in this program. So, I have the next six days mapped out here:

Friday is on the back, but yes I went old school and just wrote everything down. It may be a bit sloppy with all the scratches and edits, but writing things down just seems more committal than typing things out. Before digitizing my Sunday To-Do’s I wrote it out on paper, and I think that helped me get things done better, though I may use that same template for next week. The comfort in routine is really helping me become more certain and is helping me accomplish my goals.

More musing on the idea of keeping with a habit and committing to your goals, my coworker is also on his own 31 day challenge with yoga, and we were talking about how staying consistent with practice. He brought up the idea of how in nature that erosion happens with constant water flowing against the elements. This meshes with the fact that my yoga classes are based on the five “elements” of nature. Admittedly I would be super stoked to do a class called “Uranium” (industrial yoga!!), but I will settle for Metal \m/, and noticing my how my phsyique is changing is super rewarding. For example, I am noticing a little bit of indentation in my core which looks like a mini-six pack is appearing! I still have some of the body fat, but erosion baby, erosion!

This past Saturday was the last kickboxing sesh I had with my Living Social deal, and due to some financial constraints, I am not continuing the membership, because I have already paid for the membership with yoga. I liked working out there, but really I can accomplish activity through a combination of hooping, walking, yoga, dancing and circuit training through the DVD’s and there is a channel on my Roku that has some workouts! Fitness does not have to be expensive, but the trick is using your own creativity and perhaps a bit of self-discipline to schedule your workouts. As you can see by my posts, that is my own struggle is just getting up early or forcing myself to do it, but I leave, dear reader, on this bit of inspiration:

Day Twenty Nine

This morning feels blessed. Today when I woke up, I was in a weird mood. I wasn’t terribly motivated to go to Earth 60, but I went anyway and it was tough (no breakfast), sweaty, and to really knock me off my balance for today, I forgot my damn bra. Ya know, that could have ruined my day, but it didn’t. It’s whatever. I will be like the 70’s today, and with my, shall we say, petite, set of knockers (more like jinglers, hah!) it really isn’t a big deal. If it gets too cold, I will just wrap up in my office blanket. 70’s day!  Okay enough about my pencil eraser, time for first round of Workout DVD Duel’s. Today’s contenders are Jillian Michaels and Jackie Warner, and we have a bit of vintage materials circa 2008 from them. First off it is Jillian Michaels 30 day shred Level 1:

facing off against JW’s “Workout” lower body:

(not entire workout)

The common thing about these videos is the bit of snarkiness by both Jillian and Jackie. Let’s face it, working out sucks sometimes and snide remarks are way more realistic than some overly enthusiastic cheerleader trying to make it feel like you are eating a cupcake, no, let’s get down to brass tacks and power through this shit. That is the kind of attitude and honesty that I prefer. The structure of these videos also makes the workouts challenging thus effective for sweatiness and fatigue.

Jillian’s workout is a bit more of a comprehensive full-body routine, which may or may not be good to be working the same muscle group day after day, from what the fitness business would have you believe, but they would have you believe a lot of things that aren’t necessarily correct, ie: the efficacy of eating small meals a day versus the standard 3. Jackie’s give you an upper, lower, and core workout, so that would give you 20 minutes for three times a week. Both of these videos provide cardio along with strength and stretches, so it gives you a fuller picture of fitness. Although both of them give a comprehensive workout, I would have to say the winner in this round is Jillian. Some of Jackie’s leg moves were kinda advanced such as the lunge box squat combo, and I never got into a good rhythm with that section. Also, in terms of working muscles you wouldn’t normally, my upper body always gets neglected and the fact that Jillian gives us the shoulder raises with a side  made my arms scream while pumping up my heart rate. My biceps also being bitchy today because of the squat/curl combination.  My legs do not feel much love even after doing the workout, it could be that I did not advance myself with the weights, but the more upper body I incorporate, the better the workout, in my view.

Day 15 of the Whole 30 experiment. Just devoured some organic sweet potato mash I created last night. Fun fact, organic sweet potatoes are yellow! Had to taste it to verify it, but sure enough they were still sweet. On this diet path, I am cooking/preparing (okay canned fish is kind of a cheat, I will admit) 95% of my meals, so if you do not have an arsenal of spices, chicken can get pretty boring. Because I get bored so easily, I have been experimenting with unusual combinations of spices. For instance, last night, I decided to get a little bit equinoxy and added cinnamon and clove to the chicken:

The trick I employed to get all the meat covered was to pre-cut the chicken while the sweet potatoes were boiling, put this into a sealable container, and shake with a base of the spices plus coconut milk,  shake it up real good, and let the chicken/spice mix and sit in the fridge for about 9 or 10 minutes to marinate. The chicken is fully coated once you take it out to cook, and tastes super yummy after you add some broccoli and onions to the mix.

Monday night, I experimented with some paleo sides of vegetables. Oh, how I miss my mashed potatoes. The go-to substitution for this as I have read on the interwebs is mashed cauliflower, or as I like to be fancy and call it purée, so I gave it a go. Firstly, I boiled the vegetables as you would with potatoes. Once these were cooked, I added them to the Ninja, and added olive oil as a non-dairy substitute for butter. They blended rather easily and the consistency had very much the mouthfeel of mashed potatoes, so it was a win for texture. The taste was a bit on the sweet side for my liking, and that is saying a lot because I (used to) have a raging sweet tooth. The solution to counter-balance the sweetness was to add a bit of garlic and salt to the the mash, which gave it more of a savory note.

For the stir-fry, I went “Superfood” and added spinach and almonds. The spinach was not fresh, but since I was sautéeing it anyway, it cooked nicely. The almonds weren’t quite toasted due to the timing, but still the crunchiness of the nuts complimented the creaminess of the purée quite nicely.

Not as active as I would like to be, stats and further analysis tomorrow.