separation anxiety and some shit i wrote 2 years ago

More like 1.5, but you get the idea. Ennui with laziness is a bitch, and I legitimately feel like there is something wrong with me health-wise, but I probably said that 2.5 years ago, piss poor mood today and it started all so well, but as the sugar high dissipates and the anxiety and anger begins, I am back here at a computer screen being miserable. Hah! I should grow up, but regression is so much more fun than responsibility. Emphasis is the 2012 sarcasm, oh cynicism, you my only friend. Here we go:

I am not a fat person, but I am also not a fit person either. I wish I could be, but it actually takes a lot of things that I am not willing to give: time, dedication and discipline. Unfortunately, I think I have been able to give the first two things, time and dedication via money spent on books and DVD’s. Mostly, it has been an exercise (pun intended) in obsession while getting the joy of sitting on my ass. I love all the magazines: Shape, Fitness, Self, Oxygen, Fitness Rx, and Women’s Health and read all the blogs: That’s Fit, Fit Bottomed Girls, Vital Juice, FitSugar, and SparkPeople, and worship the exercise messiahs of Jackie Warner and Jillian Michaels*. But, Lauren, it is a lifestyle change, not a diet. Who doesn’t know that doing 30 minutes of cardio for 5-6 days a week with a full body circuit training regimen 2-3 times a week, AND eating clean for virtually all of your meals will work, but that’s the point. It is easy for these celebrity trainers to find the time/motivation to do all this because IT IS THEIR JOB. What really is the motivation for me? At 130 pounds and 5’4″,at 120 I still feel fat and something tells me that even if I got to 110 I would still be a miserable sack of shit, I look bad, but it’s not really that bad (unless I wanted to go-go dance again, but right now I would look like the protagonist in “Female Problems”) Sorry, not sorry, you don’t get that John Waters reference Hell, I am not even a member of a gym anymore.

So, why the obsession? I guess it is something I want. Everyday I am bombarded by images of hot women, not to mention the real ones that flood 6th street and the UT campus on a daily basis. It is an ideal, like having big boobs or being taller, but this is something that I could actually attain. Well, Lauren, it just sounds like you are unhappy with yourself and should just learn to accept your body. That is such a crap way of saying to someone that mediocrity should be celebrated. Fine, sure cellulite and small tits will be in my life forever, short of invasive surgery, that is literally something I cannot change, but should I be okay with having a perma-muffin top and belly? The point is that most people that look like that probably look like that because they are a) super dedicated and have a bigger steak in it or b) young and don’t have to work very hard to stay thin and fit. It is pornography, the idea of having a fit lifestyle that somehow meshes with the realities of work, school, kids, or other relationships.

I know you are saying, just quit making excuses and do it. But, is it really worth the effort? Even just a few years ago, we have seen evidence that working out may not really affect wight loss. yet, according to Bally Fitness, the fitness industry is a $14.1 billion industry. It is just porn. Why do I still persistently sign up for workout plans, buy the books, and wish instead of actually sweat. I am chalking this one up to dopamine. I don’t think it is a coincidence that all these website connect with my Twitter and Facebook to consistently overload my overstimulated brain mush with the same recycled information about eating fruits and vegetables, staying active, and doing strength training. How many different ways do you really need to demonstrate that? It certainly is a lifestyle, but mostly just one you have to buy into like AmWay.

*I actually respect the hell out the two, but the hypocrisy between what they say and what they do is a little saddening. For example, Micheals in her book “Making the Cut” admonishes the use of diet pills and supplements, but you can easily find in any drugstore yummy OTC candy with her and her sneering on the package. In numerous interviews, Jackie Warner declares that crunches are a “waste of time”. Oh really, then why would you include them in multiple DVD’s? It just seems a bit devious, that’s all.

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Day Five

Every journey has its missteps and yesterday those were in the form of cheesy fries and margaritas. Ugh, and gross beer. Not even worth the money or calories, but it happens. Today I spent lounging around the apartment watching “The Office” and feeling sorry for myself. Ugh, smoking too. I thought I was at a point that I could have alcohol and not want to smoke cigarettes, but at some point, that impulse control just evaporates. It was fun, but ultimately not worth it. Weekends are a challenge, though. You have that nice controlled environment of work and then getting ready for work the night before and morning to set a good intention for the week. With the weekend, there is no structure, and adding a few drinks, and what is left of my brain quickly dissolves into a snow globe of mascara and glitter. I mostly just want to apologize to my body for treating it so badly.

All you can do is look forward. Have my schedules for yoga/gym, so I can make the best decisions according to what time I can and will get up in the morning. Trying to schedule it so I can do one in the morning and one in the evening. Bikram might be better I think in the morning, and then schedule the group exercise accordingly. My fitbit arrives tomorrow, and that makes me pretty excited, just getting back into the routine of something is strangely  euphoric to me these days. Not a big fan of being messy or disorganized anymore. Time to grow up. Despite my lack of dedication to exercise, the other empty space of the day seems hard to feel without any real responsibilities to work. These are definitely first world problems, I am aware, but despite trying to do the right thing, I always end up doing the wrong one. I am supposed to see a therapist on the 6th, so hopefully she will help me sort out my anxieties.

FOMO is a big one for me, but mostly just feel abandoned. My relationships with my friends are not as strong anymore and I understand that people have their own lives to live, but it especially hurts when you reach out to people and they do not really respond. Maybe it is time to make new friends, and perhaps this will happen with the blogging and wellness community. It is never too late for a fresh start, right?