…and cabbage, and bullshit

Besides making you have have atomic gas the next day, just eating cabbage for dinner is a great little meal that depending on what you use to boil it with happens to be primal and vegan! Unfortunately, I only had the margarine, so the “inferior” oils won for that round, but I bet it would be good with coconut or olive oil. The only issue is that it doesn’t really stick with you through the evening, so adding a protein such as boiled eggs (Yes, I actually feel sorry for my coworkers today… girl you nastay!)  Also, some grapefruit as a dessert beats the heck out of the post-dinner gas station cupcakes/zingers that I was starting to make an unhealthy habit of consuming.

Been a bit bad when it comes to early morning food, too. Because I feel a bit calorically taken hostage by the Starbuck’s Double Shot Energy drinks at 200 calories a can, I tend to not eat much of anything during the rest of the day. This of course, makes me super hungry at night, and then likely to binge on something really gross and not at all fitspiring.

Speaking of working out, I have my trackpants on, just because I don’t know what professionalism is, and I want to go to the gym straight after work, at least I opted for the t-shirt and sports’ bra in the purse, so I maintain some workplace appropriateness. Anywho, was dancing last night, and for whatever reason, I had one of my favorite EDM albums on,  and yet still my moves were not really that great. I guess because the dream is dying for me of ever being on stage in a dance capacity again. Hell, it was probably dead 2 years ago, but I had some dream of doing it again. I would like to DJ again, if I actually knew how to (college radio doesn’t count), but I don’t know how to beatmatch, and it seems silly to take lessons with 18 year olds. Even if I will never perform again, never say never Justin Beiber, it shouldn’t stop me from enjoying the movement of dance, but somehow my histrionic tendencies know that I will never get the attention I so desperately crave. I am 31. I should really get over that shit. I think I just need a bigger space to hoop in. I think I can enjoy that and maybe one day, I will get to be as good as Neon Emu, a local hoopdancing star. She really is awesome. I have to give her props for her energy and integration of tricks into dancing:

I need to find a practice space big enough, as I can do some of those tricks, but the isolation stuff with the horizontal plane is something I have never been good at. Excuses, excuses. The nagging insecurity of everything being too late for me, or being a copycat, or being embarrassing to myself, just ultimately leads to most of my depression. Wish there was a pill to take that made you fearless. Hey girl, try not to have such a bad day today. I know it is all cloudy and raining, but things could be so much worse. Let’s not get too out of hand, here.

Just in case you don’t get the title reference, here you go:

A case of the lazies

Making excuses, but 30 day challenges are probably best started on the start of the month, ergo I had dairy in my coffee this morning. Whoops. It isn’t like I am gaining weight either, but not making any significant strides to my goals either, except for reading, which I guess is cool. Yesterday was the defensive driving class, which I shall not name because it wasn’t great. I mean, I had very low expectations, and bless his heart he certainly was trying to be funny. For some reason I expected to see like a comedy troupe and sketch humor, but it was really just one guy and a Robin Williams very much impression (on a side note, the Family Guy where everyone turned into him was on, go figure!).  IMHO, he should really stick with the anecdotes and ease up on the impressions, but I certainly give him props on being able to fill 6 hours of time with material. I have done only 3 hours of training, and it is tough!

This is how I feel right now: flashy and eye-catching, but ultimately void of any substance!

Pew pew, I hate when I start a thought and don’t finish it. Diet has been a drag, no tracking. No Fitbit to track the steps either. Haven’t been getting 10k either, maybe a few thousand from shopping and walking around the work building but not nearly enough to be healthy. Yoga has been spotty at best, with like one home practice, despite my goal of getting 150 hours in on year. I wouldn’t even say that is a very lofty goal but that requires about a 3-4 hour commitment per week, if I want to accomplish this by July 15th of next year, maybe less since I already have 30 hours. Anyway, I would like to think my slacktastic weekend is due to my boyfriend not being around, and I feel like I have no accountability towards anyone, but that is such bullshit. Am I not accountable to myself? Maybe this is what depression is like. Who knows? At least there is music.

Music makes me lose control! Who doesn’t like music, right. My bf teases me all the time, because I am this snob about electronic, ie: I don’t listen to really anything outside of electronic, and whatever, that may be somewhat true with the exception of a few bands, but as Charles Duhigg has pointed out, this isn’t my fault. We like what is familiar, and for the past oh, 11 years, EDM has just been my thing. I sneer at jam band music, too, sorry. 😦 The librarian wants to catalog things, so here is the beginning of my list, Azoic, The:

I would write a bunch about this, but the track is about 11 years old, and maybe I am just too self-conscious about what the 12 of you think about my prose, but anything I type just seems cliché and not important. Ugh, oh so negative, I hate it.  Fear is the worst thing for creativity, don’t you agree? There are probably so many things I could talk about but the fear of being judged as too old, or not artistic enough, or shallow really makes me a bit depressed. Maybe, I just need some more liquid courage, and by that I mean caffeine, that always helps, right? Okay, now just babbling on, who would want to read this at all?  Fuck, I am feeling too anxious. I am stressed about things, but hopefully they will get resolved. I used to have such joy in this and now it feels like a chore, life feels a bit like that lately, though. Lauren needs to get her groove back.

Whole 30, Day 23

Stress, stress, stress, stress, stressity STRESS!! Was too busy at work to update yesterday, strangely enough I had one  my highest traffic days stats wise on the blawg. This morning I missed yoga, because I was fighting with my boyfriend. That’s always fun. So, what is the stress about, well, my dear readers, it is about money. I just don’t have enough of it. Admittedly, some of this is self-inflicted from purchasing a car in 2011 and having to finally pay back my student loans. There are other factors which make it difficult to get by, but I am not one to talk shit. I got a raise, and I am incredibly grateful for it, but it really wasn’t enough. I have to remind myself, however, that everyone is suffering, and to be brutal honest, even with my qualifications and skill, I am fortunate to have a job. Don’t let that detract from my awesomeness, though, because as you have read, the awesomeness of the Lauren is a force to be reckoned with, even if I feel mostly like this:

Okay.. now that this out of the way, we can just move forward. I know that I am still deviating from Whole30 (not enough to not count it, but enough to note it) by my consumption of fruit and coconut water. My boss had some Larabars, and I could have asked for one, but decided to use my own energy, okay mostly from coffee, to power through the day. So, my resolve is getting slightly better in eating sugars, but I know there will be at least one time it is truly tested.  My stepsister is having a dinner party this weekend, and it is so close to the end, I wish she could have scheduled it for September 1st, so I could have a least one martini, but life does not work that way, and sometimes you just have to put your big girl pants on and suck it up. The good news is that with the exception of this morning’s missed yoga, I have been able to keep up with my fitness. Yesterday, I almost made 10k steps with the help of some interval training. In Jackie Warner’s book, she said to just do jogging, sprinting and cool down rounds. Well, I varied it up a little bit and did: buttkickers, high knees, jogging in place, jumping jacks, and repeated butt kickers and jumping jacks for a total of  5 rounds.

Day Fourteen

Bittersweet victory.  120 pounds and some change, however that doesn’t change the fact that I had four hours of sleep last night, smoked a cigarette, drank a “Toffee” monster coffee drink, and now finishing it off with a diet coke. Hey, if you are going to backslide, really get into it. Okay, so it is not like I am going full-tilt Sex Pistols with my vices, but for someone who is trying to write a health and fitness blog, it is pretty shitty.  Not to divulge too much personal information, if you had the night I did, you probably would be feeling rather bad as well. I really need to detox negativity in my life. You just can’t make people change, unless they want to. Why can’t I just learn this lesson already?

Taking a break from any strenuous cardio or hot yoga today, not really because I want to but because I need to. The lack of sleep is making me irritable, anxious and depressed. Three for the price of one! I don’t really have any religious leanings, but it would not be a terrible thing if you prayed for me or at least sent me some positive thoughts as I am having a really hard time with things. Yours in tears.

Day Five

Every journey has its missteps and yesterday those were in the form of cheesy fries and margaritas. Ugh, and gross beer. Not even worth the money or calories, but it happens. Today I spent lounging around the apartment watching “The Office” and feeling sorry for myself. Ugh, smoking too. I thought I was at a point that I could have alcohol and not want to smoke cigarettes, but at some point, that impulse control just evaporates. It was fun, but ultimately not worth it. Weekends are a challenge, though. You have that nice controlled environment of work and then getting ready for work the night before and morning to set a good intention for the week. With the weekend, there is no structure, and adding a few drinks, and what is left of my brain quickly dissolves into a snow globe of mascara and glitter. I mostly just want to apologize to my body for treating it so badly.

All you can do is look forward. Have my schedules for yoga/gym, so I can make the best decisions according to what time I can and will get up in the morning. Trying to schedule it so I can do one in the morning and one in the evening. Bikram might be better I think in the morning, and then schedule the group exercise accordingly. My fitbit arrives tomorrow, and that makes me pretty excited, just getting back into the routine of something is strangely  euphoric to me these days. Not a big fan of being messy or disorganized anymore. Time to grow up. Despite my lack of dedication to exercise, the other empty space of the day seems hard to feel without any real responsibilities to work. These are definitely first world problems, I am aware, but despite trying to do the right thing, I always end up doing the wrong one. I am supposed to see a therapist on the 6th, so hopefully she will help me sort out my anxieties.

FOMO is a big one for me, but mostly just feel abandoned. My relationships with my friends are not as strong anymore and I understand that people have their own lives to live, but it especially hurts when you reach out to people and they do not really respond. Maybe it is time to make new friends, and perhaps this will happen with the blogging and wellness community. It is never too late for a fresh start, right?