Mad at myself. Not really for slipping up on the program, but I don’t think I am really honoring the spirit of the plan. In “It Starts With Food”, the Hartwigs mention that one of the goals of this program is having a healthy relationship with food. What I have is a dangerous dance into disordered eating at times. I thought the routine of work would be my sanctuary for sticking to the plan, but it turns out one sweet potato for the whole day is not going to be enough food to last. Thankfully, my boyfriend came to the rescue with an avocado so that I could make it through the last couple of hours until I came home. I really just wanted to smoke a cigarette just so that it would suppress my appetite a little and not have to eat, but how the fuck is that healthy?
Spin class today would have been disastrous, I think. I already had a bad case of the “I don’t wanna”s this morning pre-yoga, and I wasn’t feeling so blissed out in my practice when I was seeing little stars appear in my vision while in triangle pose. Not cool, not cool at all. Having eaten dinner (broccoli, chicken, onions, cilantro and spices marinated with coconut oil) I am pretty content right now, and way under my caloric recommendation for the day, so again that theme of failing to make the right connections. For me though, it is about sticking to the plan no matter what. I could have broken down and eaten some of the almonds, but I knew they were cooked in peanut oil, so that made them incompatible, or worse I could have had my formerly daily spike in insulin with my afternoon diet coke, but that would be not honest to my body. These are not good things to consume, and admittedly there might be some righteousness in restricting myself so harshly to rather go hungry than feed myself with “unclean” food. I don’t know, where is the real virtue of fasting, if it has no religious purpose. Is dieting my religion now. Bow down to the gods of Paleo eating, you’re going to get what you deserve. Ha, I am stupid.