Not dead, just a sad panda

That is kinda usual for me though. Been writing, but not publishing anything. Haven’t been eating the best just because of my new dog. Lucy, the Jack Russell, is the light in my otherwise dreary existence

Yep, excuses. The budget has been tight, so there has been a lot of pasta eating and more fast-food than I would like to admit. Have been trying to track my food, but it is not the best. However,  in fitness wins, I did do about an hour of dog walking on Monday, so that was pretty cool. Yesterday and today have been rainy and cold, so no walking, but hopefully, I will drag my ass back into the gym.

In other bumming out news, I got a rejection from the Greatist ambassador program. At least they sent me some positive feedback for my blog, which is more than I can say for other people. Oh well, so if you happen to be a reader, and were wondering what was the lack of posts, its kinda been hectic on the homestead with the dog, but I have had some personal problems to deal with as well, so I need to get those out on paper, even if it just for myself.  More positive things to come, I promise.

 

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For the love of alliteration

Oh writing, it is such a cruel mistress at times. The burden of needing to be creative without the desire or inspiration. Okay, total lie, just been futzing around ALOT on Pinterest, busy with work, and otherwise stressed out to be focused or motivated to write. So, I guess my muse needs a bit of a direction, a map if you will. My solution for this is awkwardly assert alliteration (see what I did there) into every sense of this blog via the day of the week. So, for starters, we are going to have Motivation Monday, followed by Workout Wednesday, Thankful Thursday, and then Foodie Friday (was opting for fitness, too, but already have that covered, really!) Tuesday, Saturday, and Sunday are still up for grabs. They could be “free” days I suppose, but having a specific thing to write about really forces you to get creative and focuses, thus making you better at writing.

Spin class was pretty fun on Monday, meant to go to it last night, but laziness sometimes prevails, oh hunger too. You mean fantastically appetizing meals such as this:

Aren’t keeping you full? No, they aren’t really. The weight watchers meals are pretty gross looking, yes Jezebel wrote an article on this, and yes it made me mad because it kinda shines the light back on me that despite having plenty of time on the weekend to pre-make visually appealing treats, I choose to hit the “Easy” button and go for the ugly frozen processed to hell and back meals. It really reminds me of this image I got from Facebook:

I would say that the luxury of not having children has let me accomplish about 5 out of the 6 listed above. It is meant to be humorous but I think there is not a really good reason that you can’t have more than 2 of those things done. Again, I don’t have children, so maybe there is something I am missing, but seriously ladies (and fellas) don’t be lazy! Speaking of number 2, I have been toying with the idea of rejoining the Whole 30 army, but at the same time, there are delightful things such as this:

sorry for the dirty desk and crappy cameraphone quality!

Even though we only have these at work because I requested them and it is the holidaze, the thought of having to give up my precious sweet treats for an extended period of time (again) seems cruel and unusual, but at the same time, I did closer to my Ideal Weight than I have in like 7 years. I want my yummyness, and I want my skinniness! It reminds one of this song:

But, anywho, the question remains What is a good category for Tuesday, Saturday, and Sunday? Or should I leave them free days?

…and cabbage, and bullshit

Besides making you have have atomic gas the next day, just eating cabbage for dinner is a great little meal that depending on what you use to boil it with happens to be primal and vegan! Unfortunately, I only had the margarine, so the “inferior” oils won for that round, but I bet it would be good with coconut or olive oil. The only issue is that it doesn’t really stick with you through the evening, so adding a protein such as boiled eggs (Yes, I actually feel sorry for my coworkers today… girl you nastay!)  Also, some grapefruit as a dessert beats the heck out of the post-dinner gas station cupcakes/zingers that I was starting to make an unhealthy habit of consuming.

image

Been a bit bad when it comes to early morning food, too. Because I feel a bit calorically taken hostage by the Starbuck’s Double Shot Energy drinks at 200 calories a can, I tend to not eat much of anything during the rest of the day. This of course, makes me super hungry at night, and then likely to binge on something really gross and not at all fitspiring.

Speaking of working out, I have my trackpants on, just because I don’t know what professionalism is, and I want to go to the gym straight after work, at least I opted for the t-shirt and sports’ bra in the purse, so I maintain some workplace appropriateness. Anywho, was dancing last night, and for whatever reason, I had one of my favorite EDM albums on,  and yet still my moves were not really that great. I guess because the dream is dying for me of ever being on stage in a dance capacity again. Hell, it was probably dead 2 years ago, but I had some dream of doing it again. I would like to DJ again, if I actually knew how to (college radio doesn’t count), but I don’t know how to beatmatch, and it seems silly to take lessons with 18 year olds. Even if I will never perform again, never say never Justin Beiber, it shouldn’t stop me from enjoying the movement of dance, but somehow my histrionic tendencies know that I will never get the attention I so desperately crave. I am 31. I should really get over that shit. I think I just need a bigger space to hoop in. I think I can enjoy that and maybe one day, I will get to be as good as Neon Emu, a local hoopdancing star. She really is awesome. I have to give her props for her energy and integration of tricks into dancing:

I need to find a practice space big enough, as I can do some of those tricks, but the isolation stuff with the horizontal plane is something I have never been good at. Excuses, excuses. The nagging insecurity of everything being too late for me, or being a copycat, or being embarrassing to myself, just ultimately leads to most of my depression. Wish there was a pill to take that made you fearless. Hey girl, try not to have such a bad day today. I know it is all cloudy and raining, but things could be so much worse. Let’s not get too out of hand, here.

Just in case you don’t get the title reference, here you go:

Yoga, Tan, laundry

The good news is that I finally got my lazy ass to hot yoga, and if I really focus my efforts into going the rest of October, no days off, and even with one day off, I can still get the Svadisthana chakra recognition, by the time Halloween rolls around, so that I can celebrate with my orange bracelet. Oh, how such little things amuse me. Also some success came out of my practice serendipitously, I was not able to make it to the room early enough so I was not able to find a place close to the front or side mirror where I normally use so that I can see myself for poses. Well, it seems like that was actually a good thing as I felt like I was able to nail most of them, when I quit worrying about how I looked, and also I felt like I was less obsessed with the skinny young things in my weirdo imaginary thinspo competition that I have in my mind. I guess like the Glitch Mob song is entitled “Starve the ego, feed the soul”:

So, what is the bad news? Well, weekends are notoriously bad (even for all the other bloggers it seems) for food, just in terms of not wanting to stick to a diet, even though I baked asparagus, boiled and blended the sweet potatoes and even poached some chicken, when you sweat for an hour doing push-ups, sit-ups and leg lifts, you tend to get hungry like super hungry.  So, I succumbed to the Domino’s $7.99 pan pizza deal, oh my god, how fantastic this pizza was! Seriously, as James Norton has noted,  they have stepped up their game. I do feel like this pizza is analogous to how good fettuccine alfredo is, vis a vis something with that much butter, cheese and carbohydrates will never suck even if you are a terrible cook. Well, here are the sausage and mushroom calorie bombs (plural!!) in question:

So on a little less horribly unhealthy not, I tried eating something light on Friday night, and I always have a challenge with the Eggvacado oven dish, so I tried whisking the egg, only used a single one this time,  a bit before pouring the mixture into the avocado shell. It turned out pretty well, however a small amount of the egg spilled out on the pan as it always does when trying to balance these halves on the pan. I need some sort of ramekin to snugly hold the halves into place while the eggy-TexMex goodness gets formed. Another good idea would be probably to do sort of like a deviled-avocado mixture like with eggs but have it encased in the skin, not sure how that would be executed, but it certainly sounds good to me.

So, squatober hasn’t really been panning out how I would like, it seems like after the Whole 30, all of my dietary and fitness goals kinda fell through with them. All of my habits dissolved. I tell you one thing that really derails me is going out to drink, not that I do that very often anymore, but even just occasionally it seems that the apartment gets messy because I am too tired to clean, and I become regretful because I spent too much money furthering the cycle of depression, and I just have a general fog about me. Invention idea: some sort of drunk preparation kit, e.g.: cash for drinks so that you know how much to spend, a good hour of cleaning beforehand so that you aren’t stuck with chores in a neurochemically depleted state (hey they don’t call it “wet brain” for nothing),  and perhaps food prepared in advanced with b-vitamin and 5htp supplementation, the former to prevent thiamine deficiency and the later for any serotonin correction you need. So glad, my psychology degree has helped me in some fashion, hyuck hyuck.

I haven’t really had the kind of money to drink, so at least there is that keeping me on the straight and narrow, probably would just be better to be a bit of teetotaler for a while, at least for my wallet’s sake, if nothing else.

Mind clutter and glitter gutter

Or something. I so want to be Cat Marnell for Halloween, look we even sort of look alike (I wish):


Source: Married to the Mob

Those leggings are super cute and cheap compared to something like Black Milk, and I kinda love everything about this picture. Now to find that top, where did you find it Cat, where??? Not that this outfit is super scandalous, but it is definitely not something I would wear to work.

So, I must confess that I have a serious addiction to social networking. The only reason that I am pretty interested in this is because it is ultimately a bad habit I would like to extinguish. I don’t habitually smoke, but Facebook is essentially my nicotine. I am not even exaggerating. For no reason, other than to be entertained by those who have more interesting lives than I do, I check my feed first thing in the morning as if it were a morning cigarette. Twitter is not that much better for me, but I only have about 600 followers on that medium as opposed to 1500 on Facebook, so I think I feel a  bit distanced. I think I want to get out of this trap, not going to take a complete break from it (although it might be beneficial)  Anyway, the steps I have taken have been to clear my history so that it is not in my browser window to check it. I think I am going to remove the application from the mobile devices. The trick was really identifying the cue that triggered my compulsion to check my feed. The cue, I have found was that I actually wanted a little bit of a reward for doing work. I mean, good thing I am staying diligent on my tasks, but I  feel like I need to find other ways to reward myself.  Yesterday I occupied my brain with finding out a bit how to use XSLT, a programming language that we use for our software. It really worked, the time melted away and I felt myself more in a “flow” state and less tempted to check social media or any of the other implements(cough, wordpress, cough) that steal my time, thanks Assemblage 23 for that line.

Not exactly following the alphabetical format, unless you count Blondie who is on the soundtrack, but one of my favorite movies is Rules of Attraction and also one of my favorite soundtracks, especially with the chilling (don’t worry, no spoilers!) themes of the movie. Listening to it gives me goosebumps, in thinking about the film. Gotta love a piece of art that will do that to you, oh dopamine. Anyway, strangely Pet Shop Boys was in my head, so in the same new wave 80’s vibe, the Erasure track from his soundtrack kinda manifested itself into my thoughts, so here we are:

Interestingly enough, I have never even read the Brett Easton Ellis book that this film is based on. I am almost afraid of doing it, because I hate becoming one of those “The book was better” people. It doesn’t always happen that way, though. I am probably in the minority here, but I actually think that “Fight Club” movie was better than the book. The movie was so visually appealing and really gave a sense of impending doom, but the book gradually alluded to his mental break, and maybe it was just because I saw the film first, it didn’t come as such a shock to me when you read it. Palahniuk, though,  is one of my favorite authors. Kinda bummed that there was no “Survivor” movie, however.  Oh well.

A case of the lazies

Making excuses, but 30 day challenges are probably best started on the start of the month, ergo I had dairy in my coffee this morning. Whoops. It isn’t like I am gaining weight either, but not making any significant strides to my goals either, except for reading, which I guess is cool. Yesterday was the defensive driving class, which I shall not name because it wasn’t great. I mean, I had very low expectations, and bless his heart he certainly was trying to be funny. For some reason I expected to see like a comedy troupe and sketch humor, but it was really just one guy and a Robin Williams very much impression (on a side note, the Family Guy where everyone turned into him was on, go figure!).  IMHO, he should really stick with the anecdotes and ease up on the impressions, but I certainly give him props on being able to fill 6 hours of time with material. I have done only 3 hours of training, and it is tough!

This is how I feel right now: flashy and eye-catching, but ultimately void of any substance!

Pew pew, I hate when I start a thought and don’t finish it. Diet has been a drag, no tracking. No Fitbit to track the steps either. Haven’t been getting 10k either, maybe a few thousand from shopping and walking around the work building but not nearly enough to be healthy. Yoga has been spotty at best, with like one home practice, despite my goal of getting 150 hours in on year. I wouldn’t even say that is a very lofty goal but that requires about a 3-4 hour commitment per week, if I want to accomplish this by July 15th of next year, maybe less since I already have 30 hours. Anyway, I would like to think my slacktastic weekend is due to my boyfriend not being around, and I feel like I have no accountability towards anyone, but that is such bullshit. Am I not accountable to myself? Maybe this is what depression is like. Who knows? At least there is music.

Music makes me lose control! Who doesn’t like music, right. My bf teases me all the time, because I am this snob about electronic, ie: I don’t listen to really anything outside of electronic, and whatever, that may be somewhat true with the exception of a few bands, but as Charles Duhigg has pointed out, this isn’t my fault. We like what is familiar, and for the past oh, 11 years, EDM has just been my thing. I sneer at jam band music, too, sorry. 😦 The librarian wants to catalog things, so here is the beginning of my list, Azoic, The:

I would write a bunch about this, but the track is about 11 years old, and maybe I am just too self-conscious about what the 12 of you think about my prose, but anything I type just seems cliché and not important. Ugh, oh so negative, I hate it.  Fear is the worst thing for creativity, don’t you agree? There are probably so many things I could talk about but the fear of being judged as too old, or not artistic enough, or shallow really makes me a bit depressed. Maybe, I just need some more liquid courage, and by that I mean caffeine, that always helps, right? Okay, now just babbling on, who would want to read this at all?  Fuck, I am feeling too anxious. I am stressed about things, but hopefully they will get resolved. I used to have such joy in this and now it feels like a chore, life feels a bit like that lately, though. Lauren needs to get her groove back.

separation anxiety and some shit i wrote 2 years ago

More like 1.5, but you get the idea. Ennui with laziness is a bitch, and I legitimately feel like there is something wrong with me health-wise, but I probably said that 2.5 years ago, piss poor mood today and it started all so well, but as the sugar high dissipates and the anxiety and anger begins, I am back here at a computer screen being miserable. Hah! I should grow up, but regression is so much more fun than responsibility. Emphasis is the 2012 sarcasm, oh cynicism, you my only friend. Here we go:

I am not a fat person, but I am also not a fit person either. I wish I could be, but it actually takes a lot of things that I am not willing to give: time, dedication and discipline. Unfortunately, I think I have been able to give the first two things, time and dedication via money spent on books and DVD’s. Mostly, it has been an exercise (pun intended) in obsession while getting the joy of sitting on my ass. I love all the magazines: Shape, Fitness, Self, Oxygen, Fitness Rx, and Women’s Health and read all the blogs: That’s Fit, Fit Bottomed Girls, Vital Juice, FitSugar, and SparkPeople, and worship the exercise messiahs of Jackie Warner and Jillian Michaels*. But, Lauren, it is a lifestyle change, not a diet. Who doesn’t know that doing 30 minutes of cardio for 5-6 days a week with a full body circuit training regimen 2-3 times a week, AND eating clean for virtually all of your meals will work, but that’s the point. It is easy for these celebrity trainers to find the time/motivation to do all this because IT IS THEIR JOB. What really is the motivation for me? At 130 pounds and 5’4″,at 120 I still feel fat and something tells me that even if I got to 110 I would still be a miserable sack of shit, I look bad, but it’s not really that bad (unless I wanted to go-go dance again, but right now I would look like the protagonist in “Female Problems”) Sorry, not sorry, you don’t get that John Waters reference Hell, I am not even a member of a gym anymore.

So, why the obsession? I guess it is something I want. Everyday I am bombarded by images of hot women, not to mention the real ones that flood 6th street and the UT campus on a daily basis. It is an ideal, like having big boobs or being taller, but this is something that I could actually attain. Well, Lauren, it just sounds like you are unhappy with yourself and should just learn to accept your body. That is such a crap way of saying to someone that mediocrity should be celebrated. Fine, sure cellulite and small tits will be in my life forever, short of invasive surgery, that is literally something I cannot change, but should I be okay with having a perma-muffin top and belly? The point is that most people that look like that probably look like that because they are a) super dedicated and have a bigger steak in it or b) young and don’t have to work very hard to stay thin and fit. It is pornography, the idea of having a fit lifestyle that somehow meshes with the realities of work, school, kids, or other relationships.

I know you are saying, just quit making excuses and do it. But, is it really worth the effort? Even just a few years ago, we have seen evidence that working out may not really affect wight loss. yet, according to Bally Fitness, the fitness industry is a $14.1 billion industry. It is just porn. Why do I still persistently sign up for workout plans, buy the books, and wish instead of actually sweat. I am chalking this one up to dopamine. I don’t think it is a coincidence that all these website connect with my Twitter and Facebook to consistently overload my overstimulated brain mush with the same recycled information about eating fruits and vegetables, staying active, and doing strength training. How many different ways do you really need to demonstrate that? It certainly is a lifestyle, but mostly just one you have to buy into like AmWay.

*I actually respect the hell out the two, but the hypocrisy between what they say and what they do is a little saddening. For example, Micheals in her book “Making the Cut” admonishes the use of diet pills and supplements, but you can easily find in any drugstore yummy OTC candy with her and her sneering on the package. In numerous interviews, Jackie Warner declares that crunches are a “waste of time”. Oh really, then why would you include them in multiple DVD’s? It just seems a bit devious, that’s all.

Day Nine

After a wrenching of emotions, the saga continues.  Focus Pocus, the brain fog clouds the way of any concentration these days. More poses, very sweaty, little motivation other than this blog, however. I keep hoping that one day I will wake up one day excited about working out, but you are doing well just getting me out of bed at 6am. As it turns out, walking 10k steps requires a lot more than just walking around the work building every day once an hour. It really takes an effort to get over 5 miles. I did it yesterday just in the morning by walking around the apartment complex I don’t know how many times, and ultimately I got 15,000 steps by the end of the day. Yay for me!

Plenty of hydration, diet has kinda sucked. Not eating enough calories, but what is new. Not much insight into that, really. Day 2 or 3 without having a diet coke. No smoking. Eating lots of yogurt, which reminds me that I haven’t had a proper lunch today. Could be the cause of this mysterious cloudy mind.  Sleep has been easy. Experts say you should have an electronic curfew, but what if you actually like going to sleep with the TV on, I find the antics of Micheal Scott and Dwight Shrute to be a charming way to drift to sleepyville, yes, zzzzzz, indeed.

I have no affiliation with BodyRock, but I have been following this as a plan pretty rigorously, hey the price is right!  One of the hosts, Lisa, posted a video on her fanpage about being consistent with your diet and workout plans. It really is simple but it requires a habit shift. I have been doing a lot more with yoga and walking, but for these workouts it is just a matter of wanting or not wanting to. Again, I can’t really say that I want to, but I want to write, and other than this journey, things are just not that exciting for me, so this is something that maybe people will want to listen to or maybe not, either way, typing along like an exercise machine!

Today’s BR workout was pretty boss, could not seem to really get as high as I wanted on the jumps. Here are my scores:

1) Surfer kick out 2 jump squats 2 tuck jumps [4, 2,2]

2) 5 Mountain Climbers 5 Star Jumps [3, 2,2]

3) 2 Forward Lunges 2 squat and press 2 upright rows (no sandbag) [6, 3,3]

4) 2 pushups come up to a burpee 1 tuck jump [2., 2, 3]

Every day I am getting better.