Not dead, just a sad panda

That is kinda usual for me though. Been writing, but not publishing anything. Haven’t been eating the best just because of my new dog. Lucy, the Jack Russell, is the light in my otherwise dreary existence

Yep, excuses. The budget has been tight, so there has been a lot of pasta eating and more fast-food than I would like to admit. Have been trying to track my food, but it is not the best. However,  in fitness wins, I did do about an hour of dog walking on Monday, so that was pretty cool. Yesterday and today have been rainy and cold, so no walking, but hopefully, I will drag my ass back into the gym.

In other bumming out news, I got a rejection from the Greatist ambassador program. At least they sent me some positive feedback for my blog, which is more than I can say for other people. Oh well, so if you happen to be a reader, and were wondering what was the lack of posts, its kinda been hectic on the homestead with the dog, but I have had some personal problems to deal with as well, so I need to get those out on paper, even if it just for myself.  More positive things to come, I promise.

 

Of brunch and cardio…

Call it separation anxiety, or just plain desperation, but this gal right here could use a pick-me-up. Feeling oddly depressed even though I walked about 5 miles (around 75 minutes) on the treadmill this morning and most of the apartment is clean. It is just a thing. I post a lot of meaningless status updates and tweets, and it feels like I am screaming into a vacuum, mostly because of the lack of interactivity. Not only that, since my bf is not with me due to the holidays, I have been mostly been sitting here alone without any human interaction. Yes, poor fucking me, give me attention, my life is soooo hard. Sarcasm, aside, I do feel isolated, and it is super stupid because I spent most of Friday hanging out with my stepsister, so really I can’t even go two whole days by myself. Is that a problem? Brunch was heavenly though, among the goodies was three different types of quiches, bacon and sausage, goat cheese log, veggies and hummus, french toast casserole – yep 2 sticks of butter – and of course mimosas (maybe a little too many, but I didn’t drive anywhere)

Bonus, I had the e-cigarette, nicotine sans smoking, so I could socially “smoke” without having to really put my lungs in danger. But yeah, mostly I am concerned about the caloric consequences of all that I consumed. It isn’t surprising, after all isn’t expected that you gorge just a bit during this holiday? Strangely enough, I ate so many appetizers during Thursday during the day, that when we finally ate at 5:00 pm, my appetite wasn’t primed for overindulgence of the actual feast. It was yummy, and I actually contributed green bean casserole, my favorite after dressing of the Thanksgiving gluttony.

So tomorrow, back on the fitness horse, if you could even say I was on it during these past few months. Ugh, have to do something, I cannot exactly pinpoint why I am so depressed either, which makes it even that much more infuriating, if it was something I knew I could fix I would probably just take care of it, but it is just a general feeling of helplessness and despair, also that lovely isolation from everyone in my life, gotta love that, too. Okay, enough whining, hopefully there will be a brighter day tomorrow.

…and cabbage, and bullshit

Besides making you have have atomic gas the next day, just eating cabbage for dinner is a great little meal that depending on what you use to boil it with happens to be primal and vegan! Unfortunately, I only had the margarine, so the “inferior” oils won for that round, but I bet it would be good with coconut or olive oil. The only issue is that it doesn’t really stick with you through the evening, so adding a protein such as boiled eggs (Yes, I actually feel sorry for my coworkers today… girl you nastay!)  Also, some grapefruit as a dessert beats the heck out of the post-dinner gas station cupcakes/zingers that I was starting to make an unhealthy habit of consuming.

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Been a bit bad when it comes to early morning food, too. Because I feel a bit calorically taken hostage by the Starbuck’s Double Shot Energy drinks at 200 calories a can, I tend to not eat much of anything during the rest of the day. This of course, makes me super hungry at night, and then likely to binge on something really gross and not at all fitspiring.

Speaking of working out, I have my trackpants on, just because I don’t know what professionalism is, and I want to go to the gym straight after work, at least I opted for the t-shirt and sports’ bra in the purse, so I maintain some workplace appropriateness. Anywho, was dancing last night, and for whatever reason, I had one of my favorite EDM albums on,  and yet still my moves were not really that great. I guess because the dream is dying for me of ever being on stage in a dance capacity again. Hell, it was probably dead 2 years ago, but I had some dream of doing it again. I would like to DJ again, if I actually knew how to (college radio doesn’t count), but I don’t know how to beatmatch, and it seems silly to take lessons with 18 year olds. Even if I will never perform again, never say never Justin Beiber, it shouldn’t stop me from enjoying the movement of dance, but somehow my histrionic tendencies know that I will never get the attention I so desperately crave. I am 31. I should really get over that shit. I think I just need a bigger space to hoop in. I think I can enjoy that and maybe one day, I will get to be as good as Neon Emu, a local hoopdancing star. She really is awesome. I have to give her props for her energy and integration of tricks into dancing:

I need to find a practice space big enough, as I can do some of those tricks, but the isolation stuff with the horizontal plane is something I have never been good at. Excuses, excuses. The nagging insecurity of everything being too late for me, or being a copycat, or being embarrassing to myself, just ultimately leads to most of my depression. Wish there was a pill to take that made you fearless. Hey girl, try not to have such a bad day today. I know it is all cloudy and raining, but things could be so much worse. Let’s not get too out of hand, here.

Just in case you don’t get the title reference, here you go:

Get your ass moving

I feel like I have had no excuse for my sedentary life, but it seems so pervasive. I even blog about trying to be fit and then, and sometimes I really want to be inspiring to others. Other times  I come up with stupid mini-obsessions like self-tanning and reversing aging, even made a Pinterest board about it!  Maybe it is just something to distract me from the fact that I hate my life. No objectively, my life I realize isn’t that bad, but thanks to social media I can compare it to other peoples and feel ultimately very crappy about the things that I miss. The studies are conflicting about how social media affects depression, the oft cited quote from Mark Twain, “There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies and statistics.” I digress.

Anyway,  let’s be objective. Unless you put forth the effort to change anything, no pinning inspirational quotes or reading self-help books will help you. Well, there is one thing that I can control even if my emotional, financial, and my social life are completely dead to me. I can control my activity during the day. I am sure a lot of you have seen the infographic for how bad sitting is, well there is a less alarmist, more proactive diagram from the American Institute for Cancer Research, and it really kind of affected me.

For years, I was like the Ann or Mike character, but lately I do take hourly breaks and walk around the building, and with the help of my FitBit (RIP), I was walking around my apartment or on the treadmill. I walk around, but lack the vigorous or moderately vigorous weight bearing activity that this diagram shows the people doing. So, what the hell are the next steps?? Get your ass moving.

I found this video to be pretty helpful. I feel like I have all the tools necessary to be organized, but again it is up to me to really put the resources available to use. I don’t know if anyone else suffers from this, but I tend to hoard the information, and seek out the productivity tools, seek out the memberships to a “fancy gym” but then never use it. I suspect with the industry booming as it is, and endless publications regarding creativity, fitness, and productivity, that people like me are looking for a silver bullet, when in actuality it is as simple as just getting moving. Keeping the ball rolling, outside of actually being a fitness model where the idea of getting down to a certain body fat is desirable, just showing up is really the big challenge for most people. I understand now why many people who can afford it, hire a personal trainer. People really need someone to light a fire, as my Dad would say, under their asses.  Not really sure what the solution is for those of us who can’t really afford a personal trainer. This is the issue I trying to resolve with the yoga situation. Personally, I know myself, and if there is an option not to do something, hello Hulu, then chances are I am not going to do the “should” thing unless I change my environment or I am part of the hive mind of a classroom. I cafitness, cancer, depression, social media, austin,n’t blame myself, as it seems like it is that way for most people, and I am not exceptional. Sounds harsh, but how many people would admit that? The truth hurts, y’all.

Before this entry devolves into a vortex of self-pity and self-loathing, I do feel like maybe joining a real gym, not some crappy apartment clubhouse is the answer.  Got myself a VIP pass, lulz, to Premiere Lady Fitness, and they have yoga classes at different times of the day, so we will see if my hypothesis is correct about consistency and having a class to help you with that.  Hopefully yes, consistency + social support + variety = success is the theory, hopefully, I can light the fire under my ass just enough to stick with it!

Day Fourteen

Bittersweet victory.  120 pounds and some change, however that doesn’t change the fact that I had four hours of sleep last night, smoked a cigarette, drank a “Toffee” monster coffee drink, and now finishing it off with a diet coke. Hey, if you are going to backslide, really get into it. Okay, so it is not like I am going full-tilt Sex Pistols with my vices, but for someone who is trying to write a health and fitness blog, it is pretty shitty.  Not to divulge too much personal information, if you had the night I did, you probably would be feeling rather bad as well. I really need to detox negativity in my life. You just can’t make people change, unless they want to. Why can’t I just learn this lesson already?

Taking a break from any strenuous cardio or hot yoga today, not really because I want to but because I need to. The lack of sleep is making me irritable, anxious and depressed. Three for the price of one! I don’t really have any religious leanings, but it would not be a terrible thing if you prayed for me or at least sent me some positive thoughts as I am having a really hard time with things. Yours in tears.