Motivation Monday: The GoGo Life.

Disclaimer, I am about 8 years old than most of these girls on this video, and while I probably will never be able to chase my dreams of being a “professional” gogo, I am okay with hitting up a few more festivals before I hit 35 and maybe put that part of my life in my history, but who knows? There are women in their 70’s who do bodybuilding competitions, why the hell couldn’t I do freaking dancing in my 30’s right? This video, in particular, was inspiring:

Love MsEasy, and her frankness and honesty, and I wish she could coach me!  Now, as I have mentioned already, even if I were in Denver, I probably have missed the boat on becoming a professional performer (maybe not with hooping, but I would need to improve drastically), but even so, it would just be so amazing to get to do an event like Electric Daisy Carnival, but I do not have much in the way of videos from performances and I would need to get an audition video out. The only problem is that, as my body is right now, I feel uncomfortable dancing around scantily clad, as one would expect from a dancer, and thus the clean eating and preparation for that. If I could just lose 20 pounds, that would go along way to making myself feel more confident with performing. I don’t want to give up on a dream, so I want to be even more focused and determined to get to where I need to be with this weight. That is why I need to SWEAT EVERY DAY (see what I did there) and just make sure all my eating habits are super balanced, gosh it is difficult but it really isn’t if you have a goal that is bigger than yourself.

Another great way to get toned is through hoopdancing, another one of my passions. Just doing some youtube surfing, I found these great tips on how to improve, and thought I would share:

I hope having the phsysique that is desired for gogo dancing will be enough to keep me  motivated. It might be a judgemental, there is just no room for flabbiness within that art. Dancing really is brutal, and I really need to evaluate my ability to be visually appealing for this particular type of performance. Any go go tips would be greatly appreciated, too. Stay sweaty!

A case of the blah’s

It has been too long since I have posted, and furthermore, there has been nothing great to report on either. The eating habits have been not great, the working out has been better with the combination of dancing, walking, and a sprinkle of yoga. Not so much to talk about except, it is with a heavy heart that I am reporting that I will not be doing the Electric Run despite having paid for it already. It’s not that I don’t want to, but I don’t want to be walking through it. It ain’t called the “Electric Walk”. So yeah, kinda depressed about. This is the second time I have signed up for something and pussed out on it. It might be a fear of failure, but I have also lapsed on training, and I am sick right now, so I couldn’t make up the days, booo!

I really wish there were better news to report, but I am basically posting to not get kicked out of AFBA Had this great idea to do a “Meatless March” I am back on the flesh, but here are some Veggie friendly places that I scoped, you can just forget about me ever doing vegan. Love my cheese, love my eggs, sorry cows and chickens, I like your babies and their food:

http://instagram.com/p/WaQ-VMhZZN/

http://instagram.com/p/Wpq3u3hZYU/

For the remainder of this month, I am going to pretend to be happy. Even if I feel like crap inside, I am going to slap on a shit-eating grin and fake like studying for the CAPM isn’t the most boring fucking thing ever.

Gym-Pact is up to 5 days now. I failed last week because I was sick from the southby revelry (no, it WASN’T a hangover) but today is always a new day, right? This is the mustardy water from the writing I wish I could squeeze on my sandwich.

Leftovers

The good thing about recording almost everything is that you will always have content, may not be the best, but hey, there are only so many ways to pontificate on how bad you want zebra cakes. Making progress on my goals, and trying to get back into the 120-125. 5 pounds increments really seem like appropriate milestones, if that hasn’t already been mentioned.

Friday’s meal was not a reflection of my effort, however. The company I work for hosted a party at Dave and Buster’s which included a $20 game card. Side-note, reminding myself that I should never ever gamble seriously. I can see how people become addicted, my “vice” was the tickets, but at the cost of not having a lot of game time. I did end up getting over 600 tickets, but the hello kitty prize I wanted was like 2400. That is an expensive stuffed animal, sheesh!  Ended up drinking a few brightly colored cocktails, but my meal was pretty good, steak and lobster Alfredo pasta, couldn’t find it on the menu of the website, but the sauce had shrimp and sun-dried tomatoes on it, too. Again, not a food snob, so it appealed to my not eaten anything substantial all day delicacies:

It is amazing I lose any weight with how terribly I eat some days, but there have been a number of tummy grumblings and fatigues to certainly make it up with nearly fasting. Normally, on Sunday night to recalibrate my sleeping, I will feast on a “Drank”, but it appeared that they were out at the store, so instead I chose one of the Neuro drinks called Trim. It is probably not anything that is scientifically backed, but it does contain Resveratrol. I am not going to stock up on a 36 count anytime soon, though, they taste awful!

In more self-esteem destroying news, I watched the dancer audition video for Ultra Music Festival. For those of you who don’t know, it is the Nutcracker of the EDM event performances, and if I wasn’t convinced already to become a skinny minnie, well just see for yourself:

http://vimeo.com/55100335

The thing about getting down to that weight is that I am not even sure that I would be able to maintain it for more than like a week. It feels “right” to be around 120-125 pounds, but my ego and desire want to be around 110 or less! I have never had such a cognitive dissonance about something (oh you fancy, huh?) I feel like if I am gonna go semi-starving to reach my goals, because let’s be real, that is what a diet is, amirite?, I may as well go whole-hog into the world of body modification through rib-removal and corsetry (Have you seen my Pinterest?). Just kidding, I would totally get a boob job before doing that, and those things don’t come cheap! Silliness aside, if I get down to my UGW, ugh I am one of them now, I will try to maintain it without driving myself totally mad. If not, well maybe it is time to chose another hobby.

…and cabbage, and bullshit

Besides making you have have atomic gas the next day, just eating cabbage for dinner is a great little meal that depending on what you use to boil it with happens to be primal and vegan! Unfortunately, I only had the margarine, so the “inferior” oils won for that round, but I bet it would be good with coconut or olive oil. The only issue is that it doesn’t really stick with you through the evening, so adding a protein such as boiled eggs (Yes, I actually feel sorry for my coworkers today… girl you nastay!)  Also, some grapefruit as a dessert beats the heck out of the post-dinner gas station cupcakes/zingers that I was starting to make an unhealthy habit of consuming.

Been a bit bad when it comes to early morning food, too. Because I feel a bit calorically taken hostage by the Starbuck’s Double Shot Energy drinks at 200 calories a can, I tend to not eat much of anything during the rest of the day. This of course, makes me super hungry at night, and then likely to binge on something really gross and not at all fitspiring.

Speaking of working out, I have my trackpants on, just because I don’t know what professionalism is, and I want to go to the gym straight after work, at least I opted for the t-shirt and sports’ bra in the purse, so I maintain some workplace appropriateness. Anywho, was dancing last night, and for whatever reason, I had one of my favorite EDM albums on,  and yet still my moves were not really that great. I guess because the dream is dying for me of ever being on stage in a dance capacity again. Hell, it was probably dead 2 years ago, but I had some dream of doing it again. I would like to DJ again, if I actually knew how to (college radio doesn’t count), but I don’t know how to beatmatch, and it seems silly to take lessons with 18 year olds. Even if I will never perform again, never say never Justin Beiber, it shouldn’t stop me from enjoying the movement of dance, but somehow my histrionic tendencies know that I will never get the attention I so desperately crave. I am 31. I should really get over that shit. I think I just need a bigger space to hoop in. I think I can enjoy that and maybe one day, I will get to be as good as Neon Emu, a local hoopdancing star. She really is awesome. I have to give her props for her energy and integration of tricks into dancing:

I need to find a practice space big enough, as I can do some of those tricks, but the isolation stuff with the horizontal plane is something I have never been good at. Excuses, excuses. The nagging insecurity of everything being too late for me, or being a copycat, or being embarrassing to myself, just ultimately leads to most of my depression. Wish there was a pill to take that made you fearless. Hey girl, try not to have such a bad day today. I know it is all cloudy and raining, but things could be so much worse. Let’s not get too out of hand, here.

Just in case you don’t get the title reference, here you go:

Beauty confessions

I don’t think I will be as skinny as Cat Marnell ever in time for Halloween, but I do like being tan. It really just is a good look for everyone, even a former goth such as myself. Hate to sound like a cliché, almost as much as I hate announcing that I am one, (okay Jenna Fischer from “The Office”), but that demand for attention with dressing in outlandish outfits plus wearing ridiculous makeup, well mostly, goes away with age. To really pull off “edgy” ugh how gross is that word?, you really have to be Betsey Johnson or some other amazing artist, zomg Daphne Guiness you are my shero. Not sure how I got off on that tangent, but yeah I have been researching self-tanning products, and I came across this video:

I use the lotions currently, and have to agree that they are not very good. They are a little bit delayed in the action of the color, so if you are not sure where you applied you will see it quite obviously the next day. So, I have a few beauty confessions to make that I hope you will not judge me for, and they aren’t really that bad.  The first one probably many women share, but maybe not. I abhor shaving my legs, it just seems so unnecessary especially if you aren’t wearing shorts, so I rarely do it, like I think I have gone almost a year without shaving them, seriously. The last long stretch of non-shaving I have gone was probably a month or two, and the only reason I shaved them yesterday was because I was bored on my day off and I didn’t want my tan to be uneven, even though it was regardless, boo.

The second beauty confession has to do with tanning and shaving as well. In the same vein of keeping my tan even on my gams, I feel like it should be even on my arms as well, so occasionally I will shave my arms so that the color will appear less muddled by my dark body hair, yes that blonde as you can tell by my eyebrows ain’t natural. Speaking of eyebrows, this is my third beauty confession. Oddly it also has to do with shaving. I noticed that guys will do this, and yes, why the fuck am I taking my grooming habits from dudes. Intrigued, yet? Anyway, plucking your eyebrows really is a bitch, and if you are just trying to get rid of the hair in the middle, I find it less time consuming and easier just to shave the middle to avoid looking like Frida Kahlo, hey if that is your thing though, go for it. So, yeah those are my embarrassing beauty rituals, how about y’all. Spill the beans!! What is something that you do for beauty or grooming that you would be embarrassed to admit?

So, in lieu of the gym, because I have decided that I can’t stand it at least for now. I go through those phases, it happens. I have been trying to make a habit, oh those tricky habits, to dance. Even came up with a fun playlist on Grooveshark to help me with the motivation, it is fun for the whole apartment complex!!

Yeah, anyway, perfect mix of aggressive beats and melodies. I am a superstar DJ but only in my mind, lulz.So, if you want to hear a real mix, listen to this one, been following this person for about 3 years, and finally saw him at SXSW in 2010:

So yeah, I will be dancing it up shortly, squatober is still kinda going on, I try to squat every day (screw you, under armor, are you going to steal that from my blog too, I CAME UP WITH MY SLOGAN FIRST) Okay, yes, weekend workout! It is fun to do, no jinksies, remember that TED talk, but I have been reading “Unlimited” by Jillian Michaels, don’t judge me either, it was from the library!! and it has been giving me ideas on how to better improve myself. I got pretty depressed last night, just thinking about how successful my friends from college are, and how really unsuccessful I am despite having like 3 degrees (not even exaggerating, I also have two minors, one in German and in Instructional Design). All that college has gotten me is 40k in debt, I don’t even make that in a YEAR, and some books that I am hoarding. Okay, so I have a pretty sweet portfolio, but it almost seems like I can’t move forward until I make some headway into my professional life and it almost seems like I am sabotaging myself. At any rate, I hope I figure out how to not be freaking broke all the time by age 35, here is to hoping!!

Clearing out the clutter

Second day of Squatober, and boy are my hammies screaming. Surprisingly my glutes are not very sore at all, perhaps they are as lifted as they are going to get from all the stairs and the dancing. Insomnia struck again this morning, not sure what time, but it was still dark out, so it probably was around 4:30 or 5 am. This is for the birds, it is keeping me from getting to my 7:30 class, really just considering of cancelling the membership if I can’t make it to the class, on the weekdays or weekends, but I don’t want to feel like a quitter either. 4 weeks or 28 days until Halloween, if I put my efforts towards attending class from tomorrow onward, I can get an orange focus bracelet from Sunstone, because I really need to get past the vagina chakra (what? I am not making this up!) Urrrgah, legs are really sure, not sure how I am going to dance tonight, but I will certainly try. Want to find the best mix of hard music and rhythm so that I am not just flailing around, but I am simply better than Gangham style.

Last night, I got rid of a slue of books/magazines and sold (if you really want to call it that) them to Half Priced Books for $6. On the bright side, they were kinda just taking up space in the office, but man, I was really hoping for at least $10, come on, no one wants to buy a Flash 8 book? Yeah, pretty much all outdated software, and some fitness books. I imagine by how many copies of some of their fitness books, that they are highly devalued,  just economics, baby.  But, hey, after a few days of clean-ish eating I was able to get back to 120.8 this morning. Freaking sodium, I knew I did consume a lot with the foods this weekend, but I didn’t think I would retain 3 pounds of water. My belly even looked bloated, really sure that was actual fat, and some of it is, but my clothes do feel a bit loser today than they did on Sunday. No more Chinese takeout for me, well unless I want to freak out for a few days about my weight, and who really needs that?  One bit of complaint is that my arms feel way too soft, like I feel like if I wagged them really hard I could use them as propellers and take them to Japan without having to worry about airfare! (it is one of my goals this birth year to go to another continent) Perhaps, a Curlvember?

I do eat a lot of stir-fry when I cook.  Because I try to stick with mostly paleo at least at home, I don’t make the yummy yummmmy fried rice that we get from the takeout. Even with the effort of having to get the groceries and cook for yourself, there is a bit of advantage when you have the control of cooking it by yourself. I have not gotten the trick of sauce yet, however with clean ingredients. For example, I tried to get a beef/broccoli base with ingredients such as coconut aminos, coconut flower, olive oil, and coconut oil. I think if I would have actually started cooking the broccoli sooner, the sauce would have not burned and I would have a better consistency, so yes the sauce became a little bit clumped (probably should have not added the almond meal, either), however the taste was good and that is really what matters, right?:

separation anxiety and some shit i wrote 2 years ago

More like 1.5, but you get the idea. Ennui with laziness is a bitch, and I legitimately feel like there is something wrong with me health-wise, but I probably said that 2.5 years ago, piss poor mood today and it started all so well, but as the sugar high dissipates and the anxiety and anger begins, I am back here at a computer screen being miserable. Hah! I should grow up, but regression is so much more fun than responsibility. Emphasis is the 2012 sarcasm, oh cynicism, you my only friend. Here we go:

I am not a fat person, but I am also not a fit person either. I wish I could be, but it actually takes a lot of things that I am not willing to give: time, dedication and discipline. Unfortunately, I think I have been able to give the first two things, time and dedication via money spent on books and DVD’s. Mostly, it has been an exercise (pun intended) in obsession while getting the joy of sitting on my ass. I love all the magazines: Shape, Fitness, Self, Oxygen, Fitness Rx, and Women’s Health and read all the blogs: That’s Fit, Fit Bottomed Girls, Vital Juice, FitSugar, and SparkPeople, and worship the exercise messiahs of Jackie Warner and Jillian Michaels*. But, Lauren, it is a lifestyle change, not a diet. Who doesn’t know that doing 30 minutes of cardio for 5-6 days a week with a full body circuit training regimen 2-3 times a week, AND eating clean for virtually all of your meals will work, but that’s the point. It is easy for these celebrity trainers to find the time/motivation to do all this because IT IS THEIR JOB. What really is the motivation for me? At 130 pounds and 5’4″,at 120 I still feel fat and something tells me that even if I got to 110 I would still be a miserable sack of shit, I look bad, but it’s not really that bad (unless I wanted to go-go dance again, but right now I would look like the protagonist in “Female Problems”) Sorry, not sorry, you don’t get that John Waters reference Hell, I am not even a member of a gym anymore.

So, why the obsession? I guess it is something I want. Everyday I am bombarded by images of hot women, not to mention the real ones that flood 6th street and the UT campus on a daily basis. It is an ideal, like having big boobs or being taller, but this is something that I could actually attain. Well, Lauren, it just sounds like you are unhappy with yourself and should just learn to accept your body. That is such a crap way of saying to someone that mediocrity should be celebrated. Fine, sure cellulite and small tits will be in my life forever, short of invasive surgery, that is literally something I cannot change, but should I be okay with having a perma-muffin top and belly? The point is that most people that look like that probably look like that because they are a) super dedicated and have a bigger steak in it or b) young and don’t have to work very hard to stay thin and fit. It is pornography, the idea of having a fit lifestyle that somehow meshes with the realities of work, school, kids, or other relationships.

I know you are saying, just quit making excuses and do it. But, is it really worth the effort? Even just a few years ago, we have seen evidence that working out may not really affect wight loss. yet, according to Bally Fitness, the fitness industry is a $14.1 billion industry. It is just porn. Why do I still persistently sign up for workout plans, buy the books, and wish instead of actually sweat. I am chalking this one up to dopamine. I don’t think it is a coincidence that all these website connect with my Twitter and Facebook to consistently overload my overstimulated brain mush with the same recycled information about eating fruits and vegetables, staying active, and doing strength training. How many different ways do you really need to demonstrate that? It certainly is a lifestyle, but mostly just one you have to buy into like AmWay.

*I actually respect the hell out the two, but the hypocrisy between what they say and what they do is a little saddening. For example, Micheals in her book “Making the Cut” admonishes the use of diet pills and supplements, but you can easily find in any drugstore yummy OTC candy with her and her sneering on the package. In numerous interviews, Jackie Warner declares that crunches are a “waste of time”. Oh really, then why would you include them in multiple DVD’s? It just seems a bit devious, that’s all.

Day Thirty

Wow, has it already been almost a month since I started my fitness blogging journey. It has been enlightening, just to think about all of my slip-ups (pre-whole 30, of course). Really needed to get those out of the way before I committed myself to the program, though. Also learning that I am a lot more sedentary that I would like to admit to myself. The numbers don’t lie, and if anything the FitBit is probably generous with steps given that it counts hooping as running, whoops. This just means that I have to become more aware when I begin to feel my butt molding to the chair (is this just me that has that sensation when sitting for long periods of time?) Since coming into the habit of writing everyday, the ideas begin to flow more easily, and surprisingly there are a lot more deeper issues in fitness (psychology of motivation, body issues, nutrition and the science of metabolism) that lend themselves to further pontification. Okay, you are just being flowery, now, but bitches love eloquence. Meals have been more of the same, liked the egg and avocado so much that I ate it last night for dinner:

The right-most one fell out so I had to set it back in the fruit once I took it out of the oven. 20 minutes is a bit too long for baking as you can see the bottom is a bit over-done for my liking, and learning that for best results, you should scoop out a little bit more of the fruit so that egg is snugly cradled in while baking and does not slip out as the bottom one has done, but not the top.  Still a great little meal that you can fix with minimal prep work. The fat from the avocado coupled with the protein from the egg makes it very satiating.

So, my boyfriend and I have this ritual going to gas stations to get our vices. Since we both stop drinking, he has resorted to just cigarettes and a “big soda”, read 32 ounces or more, screw NYC this is Texas, and as the cliché goes, EVERYTHING IS BIGGER.  Obviously in this program, sodas whether sweetened with aspartame or corn syrup are verboten, so that leaves me with the mineral/sparkling water. I have substituted soda in the past for this, and come to quite like it, last night, however I was feeling a bit sick of just drinking water. Yes, my sugar dragon isn’t quite slain. What could I do but try to get some alternative. Enter coconut water. This puppy had only about 11.5 ounces of liquid but was only 60 calories. Because I wanted the satisfaction of drinking a lot (hey as long as it isn’t alcohol, amirite?) I decided to treat myself to a San Pellegrino and diluted the coconut water a bit:

This “mocktail” was pretty tastey. The only thing I would have changed was that I used a little bit too much mineral water. Perhaps in the future, I would add pineapple juice to give it even more of a refreshing tropical finish. It was  bit like a water pina colada, and that sounds probably bad, but sometimes if you want just a taste of something without the ill effects, you have license to make a few substitutions. I know that may go against the spirit of Whole 30, but it really seems like if you deprive yourself of everything, you are going to be worse off in the long wrong. Hell, the fact that I have survived without my beloved bread or dairy (just in the fact that I despise coffee sans creamer) for 15 days is an accomplishment, and I am not opposed to celebrating accomplishments.

Oh, yeah I didn’t go to yoga class this morning, boo, but there is Metal \m/ tomorrow.  Time for my hourly walk around the building.  Enjoy some tunes:

Day Twenty-Seven

Day 13 of the Whole 30 plan.  No posts on Sunday, but I  surprisingly didn’t fall off the wagon yesterday with the plan, but I did bust out the scale. 120! Only 10 more pounds until my goal weigh. I am not sure if I should go any lower than that, as that might be underweight for my height of 64 inches. I know some girls that are even smaller that go go dance, but really that is a younger persons game and I am not sure if that is even something I have the skills for, though I do love dancing, and I probably will do it until the day I die in my own living room.

I know, I know, that is not “allowed”  to look at the scale, but hell I wanted to see something that would make me happy after some stuff I would rather not get into, you know how that goes. Even negativity does not seem to faze me with my goals. So right now, I am ripping the workout DVD’s I have to mp4 format so I can view them on my iPad. In North Austin, there is a recreation center that has a free dance studio that would be perfect for hoopdancing (my apartment does not have high ceilings). Really gotten to my practice where I can get the hoop around all the points on my body: neck, hand, chest, shoulder, waist, upper legs, still need to work on the single legs, and then popping it back up to the hand and then back down to body hooping, really close to being showcase-worth, just need to create a cohesive routine and then I would be able to be a performer in that capacity. Hey, just because I am older, doesn’t mean my dreams are dead!

I just found out that Sacred Circularities is doing a scholarship contest for their retreat in Sedona on December 12th. I am not sure if I deserve something like that but would it be cool to meet likeminded people that just enjoy the flow of dancing. I better get to work on my picture and essay! I certainly have the writing skills, but do I have the hooping passion that others do. That certainly is the question.

Speaking of insane talent, this yoga video is really inspiring:

Crazy huh? Even though, I am not a fan of them, I am starting to get more into the Wood classes that my studio offers. They really help my poses get deeper, integrating yogic poses and hooping would be the coolest thing, I think just because they seem to be integrated (tree pose and one-legged hooping) but I haven’t really seen any one fully merge the two practices. Just have to take a rad picture of myself in the zone, man would it be cool to win this. Okay, enough day dreaming, back to reality:

this isn’t me, but it could have been!

Day Twenty-Four

Yay weekends, yay closing in on another week of Whole 30. Originally when I considered doing this plan, I thought the weekends were going to be the most difficult. They are turning out, however, to be the easier when given a full refrigerator of food. My weekends pre-Whole 30 generally consisted of a lot of fast food, read sodium and bloat,  which would send my Monday morning weigh-in through the roof. Now, I just will have a moderate breakfast/lunch, fruit and nuts, then a stir-fry for dinner. Also, the weekends give me so much extra space to makeup for the workouts I may have missed throughout the week. (I am looking at you Thursday).

Yesterday and this morning, I felt glued to the bed, but I had the company breakfast to attend yesterday, so getting up early was necessary and Metal this morning. This morning just started off just crappy. My boyfriend and I got into a fight, which by the way caused me to leave my fitbit AND sneakers at home. The hesitance to get up also preempted my breakfast and barely had enough time to choke down some coffee before the day started. Metal class was good except that I really need to get over this body dysmorphic shit that I have going on. It isn’t a good look to be staring woefully or angrily at other students who are younger/thinner than I am and I guess by that logic, hotter. To make matters worse, the teacher went into Hanumanasana as we were all in . I am sure my eyes radiated with chartreuse lightening bolts as I struggled to go into a king pigeon, but clearly not ready to attain. I don’t want to come off as whiney, but my body feels pretty gross right now: flabby, slack, and not even toned as I thought I would be this far into the journey. Is this what I have to look forward to in my 30’s? Like I said, I probably look great, but my stupid perception is getting screwed up somehow.

My shoes are at home, I hope. Need to dance some more to feel better. Even though I ate more than I should yesterday (all clean). Still should have done at least something to get my steps up to 10k. Oh well, two hours of dancing tonight should take care of that.  Still, McKayla is disappointed in my performance: